


White sheets, bright lights

by sapphicqueens



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Analysis, F/F, Fix-It, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-05-23 06:14:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6107620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicqueens/pseuds/sapphicqueens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cosima is almost going under from her self loathing until one day she almost breaks completely from the news that should have had her crying of joy. Delphine is alive. Though the blonde doesn't know there is something to forgive, it takes a whole lot of strength and willpower for Cosima to forgive herself. They have a lot of self discovering to do and thus, the path of starting over begins and this time it's raw and conditional.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! New fic and new possibilities. I have been under this deep writer's block that has been keeping my juice dry and sour. Hopefully it's back and hopefully it brings something good. Don't be alarmed by the angst. It's going to be a roller coaster but no one will die!

_ “I need you to tell me Delphine is alive.”  _

It even hurts to just think of those words and a shudder rolls through Cosima as they leave her quivering lips. Hot tears stings in her eyes and she’s so close to breaking again. To recoil under the black oily waves that have been pulling her down the past months.

“You need to think of your health first and foremost, Cosima,” Alison loves to remind her, “everything and everyone else comes later."

And that she does. She thinks of it every time a new fit of coughs and blood splutters from her throat and every time it clenches from the weight of what feels like the rest of the world.

At night she’s reminded of it when strange dreams invade her mind and her body is squirming from the guilt and regret seeping through her veins. She lies awake and let it all consume her.

_I came back for you. I wish you would do the same for me._

There was little Cosima would let get to her. In the past it had certainly not been women and she wishes it had stayed that way. As always, life was a never ending experiment and unexpected events put a little too much sodium in her test tubes.

She blames herself for everything. She wonders if things would have been different if she had listened to her sister when she begged her not to let Delphine into her life. Would they have been safer? _Sure, Kira would have been much safer and I would have been dead._

Sarah knows. She knows all about the pain and the regret and she observes her sister spiraling further down. One day she finds her high as a kite in Felix’s loft, lying on the floor and staring into the abyss as if she had figured out the meaning of the universe. She hadn’t.

When Sarah helps her to her feet she also has to hold her over the toilet as the empty content of her stomach is flushed down the drain. Then she soothes another coughing attack and dries more tears from her sister’s cheeks.

"I’m fine. It’s fine,” Cosima tries when her sisters ask and winces when she’s met with pitiful glances. They all see through her lies and they all hear her walking around at night when she can’t sleep. Her sisters know because she buries herself in more work than ever before. Maybe she will cure herself. Or something.

She wonders how long they will put up with her self pitying before they have enough and she hopes they would just leave her alone. Though sisters never give up on each other and they will always be there when you think you don’t need them.

Not knowing was the worst. Not knowing if _she_ was dead or alive, hurt or safe – that was what scared Cosima to the core. The feeling of something slowly freezing inside her grows each day. Sometimes she wonders if the ice would just crack, would a void eat at her under the shards?

Every day, week and month of not knowing and the cold went from unbearable to welcome and she doesn’t remember anything else.

Until one day, her phone is ringing.


	2. Ch 1: Mirthless Laughter

”Fe, what the hell are you saying?” Sarah’s voice hitches and she almost cowers when she looks Cosima into the eyes while speaking to her foster brother on her phone, ”is that really such a great idea?” 

”Sarah, what’s going on?” Cosima wants to know from her position on Felix’s bed but Sarah shakes her head and her tone is hushed as she walks away from Cosima’s curious eyes. When Felix calls Cosima and asks to speak with Sarah, of course she is going to wonder what the hell is going on. 

Her clone sister is whispering and the only words Cosima gets from the conversation is ”safe” and ”not ready”. _Not ready for what?_ and Cosima tries her best to sharpen her hearing and pick up clues as to what the siblings were talking about.

After five minutes of just nonsensical whispering – Cosima has since long lost interest in eavesdropping and is back to reading about 3D printing living tissue – Sarah puts down the blue phone on the table. She seats herself on the edge of the bed and takes in what is her sister.

There are lines under her eyes that come from both the stress of their lives and her disease and where was once a healthy almost olive toned glow was now a sickly pale sheen. Her dreadlocks had lost their once glossy texture and were now fizzy and limp as Cosima herself. A sense of hopelessness threatens to wash over Sarah as she is reminded of the heavy absence of Cosima’s once spunky and carefree persona.

Where was once a constant love and fascination for the wonder of the world, is now a detached numbness. Every time Sarah thinks there is a resemblance of a gleam in her sister’s eyes, it is just as quickly gone and she thinks she probably just imagined it all.

Cosima interrupts her train of thought with a meek ”hey,” and Sarah wants to break something. How could life be so cruel to a human being like her brilliant scientist sister who has so much to offer of the world, was beyond Sarah.

”Huh…” Cosima is almost hit in the face with the iPad when Sarah suddenly steals her hand and interlaces their fingers, making her lose the position she had managed the device in. Feeling her hand being squeezed tightly by the English sister, she directs her full attention on the now concerned look adorning her face.

”Cos, I love you,” Sarah begins and Cosima feels the constant chill in her heart almost beginning to thaw – some kind of warmth that only this family can evoke in her, starting to nudge the icy interior, ”all of us do and we all wish for you to be healthy and happy, you know?”

It was the ”you know” that had Cosima confused, as if Sarah was asking if she knew they all loved her, ”yes?”

”And everything we do is to protect each other at any cost, right?”

”Sarah, has something happened?” Cosima wonders and sits up, hands still clasped between them. Sarah’s lower lip is caught between her teeth and she has this expression as if she was contemplating something. There is this stir inside Cosima, small and pleasant and wonderful but oh so terrifying because what she feels could be described as something similar to _hope._

Cosima has stopped hoping a long time ago and had given up on even searching for it and now Sarah has had this hushed and private call with Felix on her phone. _Maybe it was…_ Cosima pushed the stirring out of her mind and decides to not let it cloud her judgement.

”I need you to trust me.”

It’s neither a question nor a demand. Sarah is pleading and Cosima is of course going to trust her because that’s what sisters do. She nods.

The words that come from Sarah’s mouth next is bouncing off the walls she had with such delicate care built around herself and she won’t let them through because _they are not true_ and Cosima shakes her head and hears herself laughing. The sound is strained – unused to it for a long time, even if it’s mirthless.

”I love that you’re finally trying to see the funny side of this instead of pitying me all the time but I thought we could just skip the humor as well and like, never talk about it again,” Cosima sniffs and yanks her hand from Sarah’s grip. She unlocks the iPad again and opens the app she had just been browsing through before both her hands are held in identical ones and Sarah is pleading again.

”I am serious about this, Cosima.”

She looks up and searches Sarah’s eyes for anything – the tiniest bit of proof that this was all some sick joke – but finds nothing but aching honesty that rips up wounds in her chest and the blood spilling out reeks of remorse and guilt and emotions better left buried and she feels another coughing attack beginning to rise.

”I need a glass of water,” her voice cracks and she pushes her glasses up her nose as she stands up and heads for the kitchen. Sarah calls for her and she ignores. There’s just so much a soul can handle for two months until the real world turns into white noise.

Red stains her lips before the water does and suddenly there are shards of glass surrounding her on the floor. Deep, drawn out gags dig in her whole body, twisting the inside of her torso and _goddammit I hate that I need Kira._

Arms hold her up and for a moment she thinks she was being hugged but it turns out it’s Sarah taking care of her once again and making sure she doesn’t hit the ground. She’s already falling. 

”Sit down Cosima,” is heard between the dry heaving and her back is straightened along with her burning lungs. It helps the air to clean out the sticky in there but not the guilt. It’s still eating at her and now more than ever because it’s all she can think about.

Silence erupts and Cosima takes a moment to steady her breathing and Sarah is rubbing her back soothingly.

”One day you begged me to tell you she was alive.”

Cosima winces and swallows back a small cough, shutting her eyes tight and regrets. Regrets everything.

"Yeah well one day I could take care of myself, Sarah,” Cosima explains once she has her respiratory system under control. ”One day, no one had to check my pulse every night to see if I was alive. No one had to make sure I had eaten because I had an appetite, a big one. And most of all, one time I could be quiet without anyone looking at me as if I was about to break. As if I was the most fragile piece of glass, I– I am just so tired of– I’m just tired.”

She doesn’t know she is trembling or that her voice is hitching. She doesn’t know about the tears and that Sarah is once again there to dry them. And maybe that is for the best because her whole being is already hunching from the loathing enough as it is.

The young scientist is truly looking like the most fragile piece of glass and Sarah aches because what can she do? She feels like she’s just standing on the side while this wonderful human is being beaten from every direction, invisible blow after invisible blow. Every ounce of joy comes with another pound of guilt that fuels this self hatred and no one can save her if she can’t fight them herself.

”I can’t do this anymore,” Cosima whispers as she involuntarily curls on the couch Sarah had placed her on and she’s hugging her knees as she lets the world rain down on her. 

Sarah can’t do anything but letting her lean into her and wish her arms could protect instead of just support. She hears Cosima’s teeth grind and knows she’s trying to push the overwhelming sadness from her mind, staving it off and Sarah has yet another urge to break and destroy, ”you can do this.”

After what feels like minutes, Cosima has stopped shaking and they are both just existing in the warm comfort another person’s body provides. It’s quiet and peaceful and Cosima’s breathing isn’t irregular anymore, which–  _good. She needs something to be easy for a little while._

”Sarah?” a hoarse voice cracks the silence. Mentioned woman hums in response as Cosima tilts her head to look at her sister, ”I want to see her.”

A brief sense of doubt flashes through Sarah’s eyes before she finally accepts that it’s not protection to keep Cosima away from making her own decisions even if they appear to be bad.

”Then we’ll see her.”

Cosima nods and the void doesn’t seem to be endless and ice cold and there’s even a hint of a smile teasing in the corner of Cosima’s lips.

”I’ll call Felix right away. He was with her this morning.”

And maybe, just maybe she could one day dare to let the world be exciting and fascinating again. 


	3. Ch 2: Aerodynamics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go! Enjoy. And sorry for any mistakes!

Delphine is alive. She is alive and in Paris – half the world away and yet it’s the closest Cosima has felt her in a long time. 

Felix had after Sarah and Kira decided to come back from Iceland, chosen to ”take some time alone from all the clone craziness and discover myself and Europe again”. For two months he had been visiting everything from the smallest village to the biggest city until he found himself wandering the streets of Paris and right into Delphine.

As what was expected, words were exchanged before he found out that she had been shot and left to die – coldheartedly and mercilessly in a garage parking lot – and someone from Topside had rescued her and brought her back to her home country. That is all she is willing to share for the moment and Cosima understands. Why would Delphine trust them when they had put so little faith in her helping hands, and thus getting her shot?

”We need to go to Paris, Sarah. I need to see her,” restless and tired and only a flight away Cosima is already packing a bag when her sister stops her.

”You are sick. You could barely take the news and now you think you can handle going away? I’m sorry Cosima, but we need to be a little more strategic than this.”

”What can we do? I need stem cell treatment but I don’t have any more stem cells nor the equipment to get it. I am going whether you want it or not,” Cosima states as she throws a few shirts in her bag. Sarah studies her, the way she has to stop and rest her head in her palm when the room begins to spin or when she puts a hand on her chest to steady her breathing. It has been a while since Sarah saw her this sick and it stings her heart, a tiny needle trying to pierce something in there.

”I can’t let you travel alone,” Sarah sighs and starts dialing Mrs S’s number, ”you wouldn’t survive the security check.” 

Cosima snorts at that but ignores her, letting Sarah brief S on what’s happening and that Kira is going on another transatlantic trip with her mommy. And of course, Mrs S argues and Sarah is getting pissed real fast before she hangs up. Obviously Sarah isn’t going to let Kira out of her sight. 

”Should we call Alison?” Cosima wonders when her suitcase is standing ready by the door.

Sarah shrugs, ”nah let’s call her on the way to just let her know we’ll be out of town. She has too much to think about with being Trustee and shit. Plus, I think she enjoys the drama free time she’s having.”

Cosima nods in agreement as she’s looking up flights to Paris on the tablet. Her heart beats slowly but hard against her ribs, warming up her body in a steady pace and she almost looks alive, Sarah thinks. Her cheeks are almost rosy and her eyes doesn’t look just as glossy and feverish. _I just hope this won’t be the end of her._

The drive to the airport is silent, save for the few inquiries made by Kira after she was picked up from school. She’s of course thrilled to be going on another adventure – and with Auntie Cosima nonetheless! Her every attempt at a _bonjour_ or _ça va_ serves as a great and terrifying reminder that _Delphine is alive!_ and her soft, lilting voice is not far away.

_I will never leave you._

Every mile closer to the airport and she tries not to think about the doubt looming over her like dark clouds over a stirring ocean she’s swimming in. The only thing she has left to hold on to is the fact that _I did not get Delphine killed_ and everything else is just an abstract painting of ocean waves and white noise. She’s – for now – at least able to keep her nose above water.

Cosima had tried to call Felix and get him to spill more secrets and information about the blonde. He had scoffed and said that even though he didn’t trust Delphine, his silence was a promise he intended to keep. She would have to find everything out herself. The scientist rolls her eyes at that because _why do you have to act like an annoying brother when I need it the least_ and Felix says that it’s something he does best.

An hour later, Cosima is pacing impatiently on the gate and her eyes keep falling on the plane she’s waiting to board, as if she’s afraid they might miss it. Sarah is trying not to tear her hair from the roots in annoyance and wants Cosima to sit down before she has an aneurism from the repetitive clicks of Cosima’s heels. Kira, little smart and oblivious Kira, is reading a book.

”Isn’t it time to board soon?” the dreadlocked woman groans in exasperation when she looks at the watch for the fiftieth time the past two minutes. Even other waiting passengers give Cosima strange looks now from their seats, glancing over magazines and crosswords ever so irritated for being disturbed.

Just as Cosima was about to approach one of the stewardess, the speaker allows the gate to open. If Sarah wasn’t so concerned already with Cosima’s health, she would have teased her sister for faking the symptoms all this time – like a high school student faking a headache to be allowed to stay form school. But she kept her mouth shut because Cosima was still unusually pale and ghostlike and far from her former glory.

If Cosima had acted childish on the gate, it was nothing compared to what she became when they had taken their seats. Sighing loudly, she starts drumming her fingers on the arm rest and her heel tapping along in an improvised and irregular rhythm. Sarah puts her earphones in – before sharing one with her daughter who also wants an escape from the dull surroundings.

But, as soon as the captain starts speaking, Cosima straightens up like a jolt woke her up. The engines from the jet sends a comforting buzz through muscles and nerves and yet it’s exciting like nothing before. A nervous feeling lingers in the pit of her stomach and it mixes with fear and nausea and suddenly she has to throw up because _oh my God Delphine is alive._

She needs to get off this plane immediately and let Delphine forget about her, let her move on and start a new life where Cosima doesn’t interfere. Where Cosima is no longer her subject – her liability. A life where 324B21 is no longer a burden. Oh how she wishes for Delphine to live this life, free of every rock Cosima put on her already loaded back.

It’s easy to imagine this happy ending but it’s done with dread. The incredible blonde could have this happy future, absent of clones and instead of sharing an eskimo pie with Cosima she could share it with someone else. Her lover, a husband, a wife – _a child, her child?_ She could exceed in whatever field she chose and change the world. Save it or something. In this moment Cosima is convinced this is a big mistake because what if she’s on her way to (again) destroy Delphine’s attempt at a new life?

”Sarah, I need to get off this plane.”

Sarah whips her head around so fast she’s surprised she doesn’t hear it crack, ”no,” she responds curtly and is already done with Cosima’s indecisive nonsense.

”I don’t want to anymore. I’m probably the last person on earth she wants to meet right now and–ugh, I’m just going to mess shiiingss up as always,” she at least had the decency not to swear in front of a child, even if it is the child of Sarah Shite Manning.

”Cosima, please. Will you stop thinking for a minute and just–” she sighed and massaged her temples, ”calm down or something. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now but this is not your fault. What happened was out of your control. Delphine is safe now and I’m sure she wants to se you, to make sure _you’re_ safe. So please calm down, will ya?”     

She has a point, Cosima admits. Though it doesn’t stop the summersaults and butterflies and centipedes in her gut nor the bile rising in her esophagus. It’s not until the plane is shooting through the clouds that she can’t hold it down anymore and when the seat belt sign is off, she rushes through the cabin between quiet passengers, into the cubicle and empties her stomach in the small toilet. At least she doesn’t start coughing up blood this time.

A stewardess notices the unlocked and open door and finds Cosima on her knees, retching and spitting. She asks if she’s okay and is already offering her a bottle of water, which Cosima thanks for meekly.

”Are you scared of flying?” the woman asks, her voice concerned and gentle as she helps Cosima to her feet.

”Yes,” Cosima answers when she doesn’t want to explain she vomited because she’s going to meet her ex-girlfriend who was assumed dead merely hours ago. The woman gives her a small smile and calming words that are probably _really_ helpful, coming from someone who basically lives in the sky. But they do nothing for Cosima who is still trembling and trying to swallow down the taste of gall off her tongue.

”Just relax in your seat and watch a movie. We’ll be in Paris before you know it,” the flight attendant reassures her while leading her back to Sarah and Kira.

”Okay, thank you,” Cosima awkwardly smiles and is already digging in the bag of chewing gums Sarah had thrown her way when she returned. 

The rest of the flight is uneventful. Kira, after two hours of sleep, starts to ask why bumble bees would fly when they were clearly designed not to and why chickens could not when bumble bees clearly could. Sarah sees it’s a nice distraction for Cosima; to talk about something that is so far off from anything French and blonde and instead to rant on about the aerodynamics surrounding a bee’s wing. If Kira doesn’t understand, she isn’t showing it and Sarah is sure Kira had felt Cosima needing something specific to focus on. _Clever kid._

It’s when the seat belt sign is on again and the ground is ascending towards them fast until the jet is bouncing on Parisian concrete. Cosima has nearly thrown up the little food she had managed to put in herself because how did eight hours fly by that fast and oh god why is she way too close and yet lightyears away from Delphine (who is alive) and she starts to think about relativity theory and space and double helixes all in one go. She forgets how to breathe.    

Sarah is trying to steer them through the arrival’s hall and gets all of their luggage and Cosima hasn’t said a word ever since the plane landed. Her gaze reveals she is far away but Sarah knows she’s painfully aware of everything. Kira is just eagerly listening to all the languages that swirls in the air around her in this metropolitan world and doesn’t notice the lanky uncle companied by tall heels and silky blonde hair just a few meters ahead.


	4. Ch 3: Endless forms most beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked hard on this chapter and I hope it's enjoyable. Maybe not what one wishes but if that would happen, the story would fall flat. I have a lot planned for these ladies. Anyway, I hope it's interesting and that you all feel something when you read this. Also; thank you so much for the amazing review and feedback I've gotten on the first few chapters. It keeps a girl happy and on her toes. x

The airport is crowded, bustling with tourists in the middle of June. There’s an American family trying to keep their children at bay as they run around stranger’s legs. A German couple is walking hand in hand towards the exit with the promise of a _city of love_ waiting for them. Everything seems to be ordinary; the air is almost scented with the excitement of a new adventure ahead. However, it bounces right off the tall blonde searching anxiously for a certain pair of glasses framed by dreadlocks. 

Delphine has no idea that her knees will tremble, nearly buckle at the sight of her lost love. She doesn’t know her heart will flutter like the wings of a hummingbird just to stick in her throat when warm hazel eyes meets green tinted eyes. The blonde also doesn’t expect the utter fear and relief and joy and hurt to mix in the pit of her stomach when the image of the _someone_ before her isn’t conjured up by her mind during sleepless nights. When the image is clear and vivid and all too real.

She also can’t predict the way the other woman’s mouth fall open or her eyes widening when their gazes lock. Uncontrollable and unbelievable happiness that she would have missed if she wasn’t studying her expression with outmost care. She would have missed it because as soon as it appeared it was quickly shattered by regret and guilt and shame and emotions left unnamed and Delphine wants to reach out and wipe them all away. Though her hands touches cold and hard bricks because Cosima has in an instant built high walls and towers around herself.

Two months suddenly felt like two decades when Delphine realizes she doesn’t recognize the woman in front of her. Cosima isn’t her own universe anymore– she is a dying star that is quickly losing it’s ability to make enormous celestial bodies orbit around it. 

Shouts of ”Uncle Felix” and ”Hi monkey” is coming from her right but she can’t hear them. Instead she stares at Cosima, trying to figure out how she can look so beaten, so fragile. How her posture is not inducing that cockiness she used to adore or how her eyes are – instead of gleaming from a toothy grin –  tired and empty and plain. And then she asks why and that’s when she feels something she wants to reject and push back to it’s dark corners. Something that fuels the churning fear. Anger is slowly inching itself up her spine, squeezing her bone marrow in a tight grip and somewhere below rage is simmering. 

Delphine breaks through the foggy haze of unwanted and confusing feelings, pushes them back, and takes a step, then another until Cosima is half a meter away and still way too far. What she had thought she had seen in those once soft now hard eyes proved to be correct but with an addition; self loathing, unadulterated and thorough self loathing.   

Delphine had wanted to wrap her arms around the small woman, still does, but had stopped herself when she had noticed the brunette retreating into herself, wincing when Delphine came at her with memories toppling over like ocean waves and threatening to overwhelm. That’s when the blonde wishes she could fight this hatred Cosima has for herself, to help her get strong again because she’s still got to be somewhere in there. _It’s not my place to help her correct it. I’m not hers any longer._

”Bonjour,” is what Delphine whispers and smiles even though it doesn’t reach her eyes. _My love,_ is what she wants to say.

*

Meanwhile, Cosima is drowning and flailing to keep herself upright and if Delphine takes one step further or even worse – touches her – she is going to lose the little control she has and go under. She hadn’t known what her tortured mind would show her when Delphine finally stood before her but she had never imagined it to be pretty. Cosima had of course been right.

Immediately when her eyes had registered the scientist in the crowd, she wanted to turn back and take the next flight home, to do what she had talked herself out of so many times on the plane. Now when standing face to face with the source of all her demons and wishes and desires, she wants to give up because there’s too much going on inside her and how long can one mind handle everything before it breaks?

”Hi,” Cosima croaks and remembers her dry throat and tries to swallow down some saliva. As if on cue, Delphine frowns and the look of concern presses needles deeper in the brunette’s heart.   

Cosima wants to fall and let Delphine – pure hearted and kind and generous and with too much love to give – catch her and give in to the feelings that are so quick to resurface. It had never been hard to love her, she had just been hard to love unconditionally. However tough it had been in the past, Delphine had always done everything for her safety and that’s why it would be so easy to just rely on that. Use that. _I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve this warmth you keep in your eyes. Reserved just for me._  

But among the day dreaming, this imaginary bliss, an all too familiar sense is lurking in the back of her head. A feeling that had been present so many times in their shaky past and always had her tipping on toes around Delphine. _Would she catch me if I fall?_

Even in their most tender moments, minutes spent in the safety of darkness where fingers played and breathy confessions of love shared between them, Cosima had felt the tiniest sense of doubt. This small voice deep inside her mind asking when Delphine would betray her next. _Because she had done that a lot, right? You obviously can’t trust her. She will obviously do it again._

But Cosima pushes the voice down, silencing it with a _she can’t trust me, so shut the fuck up!_ and notices that Delphine is saying her something.

”I’m sorry, I– what did you say?” and Delphine frowns again and her lower lip is caught between her teeth and the familiarity of that small gesture is knocking the air from her lungs.

”I was asking you about your flight, was it pleasant?” _back to basic, it seems._

”Yeah, it was great! Long and boring with a bit of turbulence,” Cosima nods and forces a smile to hide the blatant lie. _Why not start with a lie?_

Delphine manages a smile and then eyes her over, taking in the state of her physical health and the stare makes Cosima shuffle her feet. She hates being scrutinized and especially when she had done nothing to take care of herself. To save herself even though she had promised herself and the blonde that when Delphine had broken up with her. Under the blonde’s gaze she feels the need to squirm and the urge to hide her battered body in shame.

”How are you?” Cosima asks and is relieved when she realizes at least Delphine is still the same; glowing and wonderful and now forbidden. Though Cosima can’t help but think of all the times she had explored the secrets of every curve and every line of her skin and the images is making her heart ache with a longing that quickly returns to shame because _what right do I have to linger in the past?_

”I’m good,” she’s looking to her right when she says it and Cosima knows she’s lying, too. And the brunette wonders how things ever would– could, become something else. Something better than the history between them.

”Oi, airheads, can we get a move on?” it’s Sarah who’s lost her patience and the jet lag is probably already getting to her. Cosima nods at her sister before nodding shyly at Delphine as she walks around her, suitcase in tow.

”Let me help you,” Delphine offers and reaches for the handle of the bag but Cosima is automatically flinches out of reach and when she sees the look of hurt flashing across the blonde’s eyes she wants to die.

”It’s okay, it’s not that heavy,” Cosima mumbles but it’s lost in the loud surroundings but she refuses to meet Delphine’s gaze when their moment had been broken. She fears what she would find in those big hazel eyes. 

The walk out the exit is quiet, stale and awkward. It’s reminding Cosima of the gross taste in your mouth the morning after a rough night and she wants to brush her teeth to get rid of it. Delphine is walking right beside her, making sure to keep a safe distance between them that feels all too unnatural and Cosima wants– needs – to close it. Her fingers twitch and itch to intertwine with the other woman’s long slender ones and stay there and feel their warmth spread to her chest. She wonders what would happen if she did and knows that if she was the person she was one year ago, she would do it. 

*

Delphine feels it also – that static electricity or magnetic field that once had them drawn toward each other – but now it’s blocked by towering walls out of nowhere and tears sting in Delphine’s eyes. She looks away from Cosima and holds her head up high in a poor attempt to appear stoic. _She’s probably still with Shay,_ she thinks and hates how jealousy burns white hot in her blood because it makes her feel pathetic and out of control.

Felix takes them to the hotel where he’s staying and Sarah books another room for her and Kira. Not without trying to make Cosima stay with her because she’s worried Cosima will choke on her blood in her sleep. Cosima refuses, says that she can handle being on her own and wants to strangle Sarah for bringing it up when Delphine is within hearing distance.

”I need to get back to work,” Delphine informs after they’ve gotten their keys and installed themselves in each room. Cosima looks at her in confusions and before she gets the chance to ask Delphine answers, ”I wasn’t allowed the whole day off.”

*

”Okay. Well… See you later, alright?” Cosima asks and there’s a moment when their eyes lock and something untold and unknown passes between them but it sends a shiver down her spine.

”Yeah, sure. Felix has my number. Enjoy your stay,” and it’s like a slap in the face the way she says it– devoid of emotions and meaning but it’s not the damn _enjoy your stay_ that has Cosima feeling uneasy. It’s that she apparently didn’t have the time to give her her contact info and it hurts.

”She is still a bit secretive it seems, even though you would think differently after all the shit we’ve been through,” Felix sighs indifferently but when he sees Cosima’s expression fall as soon as Delphine is out of sight, he can’t help but to grieve with her. He knows about suffering. And it’s the way her eyes shuts tightly and her lips press into a thin line and how she ducks her head to not let him see the pain inflicting upon her that he can’t take it anymore so he hugs her. Long strong arms embrace her as she is for the umpteenth time breaking down and letting her tired limbs rest from keeping herself afloat. Drowning seems so utterly tempting at this moment.

”You both need a glass or five of expensive French wine and to sit down and just talk,” Felix thinks and squeezes her shoulder when he lets go of her. ”Then you both need a good shagging.”

Cosima scoffs but ends up smiling mirthlessly, ”yeah you’re obviously right, Felix.”

”Of course I am! Anyway, you’re probably exhausted and in need of a shower so I’m gonna let you get some time for yourself. When you’re done, we should explore some of Paris. It’s glorious by night time,” he says challengingly, ”salut, bitches,” and then Cosima is alone for the first time in over twelve hours.

It’s quiet– too quiet. The walls are white and the floor is a grey carpet and there’s a small window viewing nothing but a concrete wall and more windows on the outside. There’s a twin bed in the middle of the room, which seems soft and luxurious and the deep green spread is the only thing that brings any color to the otherwise pristine white and clinical style. The moment Cosima takes to just appreciate and study her surrounding is working as a lighthouse in the emotional turmoil raging inside her. It’s calming and it’s constant and substantial compared to everything else right now. She holds onto it and falls on the bed among pillows and crispy clean sheets.

All of today weighs heavily on her mind and it’s too much to take in. Too much to process in the state Cosima finds herself in as she let’s her body sink into the unfamiliar bed. She hadn’t realized how tired and spent she is and the stress of the transatlantic journey and the stress of seeing Delphine – seeing her healthy and alive and normal– it knocks her out like a light. She decides to let her brain work it out while asleep and her limbs are too filled with lead to let her crawl under the duvet and there’s an image of Delphine that lulls her to sleep. Because maybe, just maybe, they don’t have to fuck this up. At least she is well and apparently has a job. A life. _She’s doing fine without you, Cosima, you knew that already._


	5. Ch 4: Is There Somewhere - part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we goooo! Also, I have never been to Paris so the restaurant is completely made up by me. I have no idea if such a place exists. But fiction is fiction~ 
> 
> Also, sorry that this was pretty short but I had to cut it there. Otherwise it would have been too long and what's up doesn't fit this chapter. Also, one question, do you want frequent updates but shorter chapters (like now) or longer chapters but less frequent? I usually prefer longer chapters to read but it's hard to write. Please, tell me what you prefer. :) 
> 
> Enjoy! x

Felix takes them out to his favourite restaurant – a cosy little shack squeezed in between two larger more expensive looking restaurants. It serves French cuisine but with an American twist. Before, Cosima would've been ecstatic by the various food options but now her eyes never registers the menu

Even though Cosima should be hungry, her mind is elsewhere and she is barely aware that she's ordering just a side salad. Sarah sends her concerned glances every now and then and even Kira is affected by Cosima’s absence. She starts talking about a science project she's doing in school to try and get Cosima to lighten up. Usually, Cosima would have been explaining everything with her hands while her mouth ranted on in several miles per hour by now.

This time Cosima only manages distant smiles and one word answers and Felix and Sarah shares worried looks. The mood after their arrival to the hotel had been dampened, is still gloomy and a bit sad save for Kira who is picking up French words around her like a sponge and is looking to see la Tour Eiffel. Felix had promised her to show her around and spoil her with French pastries and Sarah wants to argue, be the bad mom but can't. Cosima just wants one person.

There's an empty chair by their table. Cosima had asked a waitress to move it there because maybe the fifth person would join them. Earlier that day she had forced Felix to call the other woman – she had been hovering over the phone for an hour before finally accepting that she just could not pick it up – and Delphine had said that she was having a busy day at work and might not make it.

As always, a voice is convincing her that of course Delphine doesn't want to be there, _doesn't want to be wherever you are._

“Felix… Why didn't Delphine contact us all this time? She was here all along but– ugh, I was at home all along. Thinking too much,” Cosima finally breaks her silence and interrupts the affectionate teasing between Sarah, Kira and Uncle Felix.

The gleeful expression on Felix’s face is replaced by furrowed brows and uncertainty, “she never mentioned why. Believe me, she heard a thing or two from me when I ran into her the other day. But you should've seen the look on her face. Whatever happened, she did it to keep you safe.”

Cosima is once again being dragged back out the black ocean and the guilt is eating at her, chewing every bone and making sure she _feels_ it. _Of course, she always find ways to keep me safe and I just gave her a bullet._

And yet, there’s something taunting Cosima. Telling her that _Delphine doesn’t need you. She is not your monitor anymore and therefore, she disposed you. Her work here is done._

Cosima bites her lip so hard it bleeds but the pain is small, though distracting and finally she starts shoveling salad into her mouth. The voices are drenched by the huge sip of wine she’s pouring down her throat until Sarah has to take the glass away from her.

“Don’t,” she’s stern and Cosima listens and decides that maybe socialising with her family is a healthier although more challenging way to chase away the demons. Usually the best way is the hardest way but she tries and when Sarah is lecturing Kira about the importance of doing their homework, Felix is snickering because “Sarah is such a good example of why you should”. It’s light and not at all hard to focus on; it’s just hard to stay focused when the love of your life might not want you anymore.

When Kira is finishing her dessert – ice cream with extra chocolate sauce – Felix’s phone is ringing and Cosima grabs it before Felix has even reacted to the noise.

“Hello?”

“Cosim-a?” and when Cosima can only hear her voice, the way her voice accentuates her name in the most quaint ways, she remembers just how long ago she heard it, really listened to it. Once her voice had been something that brought her back to earth and up among the stars and now she realised what a privilege it had been to have it in her life. A single word has never before spread this intense feeling of joy in her. It’s rolling through her like wave after wave and suddenly she’s strong and steady and nothing can bring her down.

“Delphine?” she starts and even though she’s happy, it doesn’t stop the nerves, “ho–how are you?”

Silence awaits on the other line for a moment before a breathy “good,” is whispered through the speakers. Her soft voice is filling her stomach with butterflies and Cosima’s cheeks tint with a rosy red when she remembers she’d heard the exact same word and the exact same tone in other compromising positions. She swallows the inappropriate thoughts down and shakes her head, reminding herself that that was a lifetime ago.

“Awesome,” she answers and then no one knows what to say.

“Are you okay? Where are you now?” Delphine asks and Cosima wishes they could talk like that lifetime ago. 

“I’m all good! A little tipsy on French wine. It tastes awful! Can you believe I just had bad French wine, Delphine?” Cosima tries because she’s desperate to keep hearing her voice and is afraid that if she doesn't say anything, Delphine will finally get a chance to say what Cosima fears so she chuckles for good measure.

“Even we have bad wine,” and the brunette swears she can hear a hint of a smile in her voice. She grins, teeth and all and Sarah sends her a version of her own smile when their eyes meet.

“You should, like, totally show me around one day and show me the good stuff,” and the wine might have been bad but it makes her bold.

“I’d like that,” Delphine hesitates, “is it too late to join you? I haven’t had dinner yet.”

Cosima wants to dance and run back to the hotel at the same time because even though having Delphine there was exactly what she wanted, she doesn’t know if she’s ready to face her already. Not after their disastrous meeting earlier that day. And yet…

“Oh no, definitely not too late! I can keep you company if the others have to go but I will be here,” Cosima thinks her cheeks might crack because wow it's been so long since she's smiled like this.

“Oh non, you don't have to do that for me. I can just go hom–”

“Please! It's no trouble at all,” and now the need, that deep and loathsome despair is surfacing and Cosima is sure the tears will come; unwanted and despised.  

Delphine is still sounding so unsure and her little sigh makes Cosima so horrendously nervous, “I mean you don't need to but… I'd like to meet you.”

“If I’m not bothering you, I’d love some company,” if Cosima isn't so caught up with being over the clouds and diving in deep, she would have noticed the small trembling in Delphine’s voice. How there's a barely a trace of something– _lonely_ , in the way she speaks.

“Great,” Cosima is over the moon and at the bottom of the ocean and maybe Delphine doesn’t even want to be there? Still, she mentions the name of the restaurants and Delphine says she can join them in ten minutes.

“See you soon,” Delphine says and Cosima wants to squeal and dance at the _soon_. Soon has until now been but a dream.

“Yeah, see you soon” and the little silence that follows is filled with something so unspeakable and thick and it’s uneasy and wonderful. It speaks volumes.

It lasts for a second until them both are whispering nervous goodbyes and quiet giggles and then they hang up. Cosima turns to find Sarah and Felix looking at her questioningly, “she’s here in ten minutes.”

The corners of Felix’s mouth is twitching – it’s been awhile since he’d heard her this happy, so he represses the urge to make a snide comment about the French.

“Well, I need to get back to the hotel with Kira. She is high on sugar right now and I estimate she will crash in about twenty minutes. Felix is also pretty tired, isn’t he?” Sarah explains and sends Felix a hint, which he gets.

“Of course, I’m so very tired of waiting all day for your lazy bums to get here,” he fakes a yawn and is leaning sleepily onto Kira with all his weight, making her squeal under his body and Kira yells that she can’t move because there’s a hippo on top of her. To which he feigns hurt, “are you calling me fat? I’m wounded.”

Cosima just giggles at their antics and her heart swells when she is reminded of the lovely little family she’d found in this very complicated situation. It’s hard staying in touch with the parents when you one day wake up with clones, how do you explain that? For all they knew, she could still be in Minnesota studying. But here she has a brother, a sister and a niece and _they went to Paris for you_.  _I went to Paris for you,_ and then Cosima feels lonely. 


	6. Ch 5: Is There Somewhere - part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapters, more frequent updates it is then! Only this chapter happened to be a little longer than the others but I don't think you complain. This also turned very angsty. But more angst before it gets better am I right? And I've also managed to find a beta-reader/editor! Which is so cool. She's @aneventhorizon on twitter and she's a pro so I'm really grateful for her help. Two pairs of eyes can accomplish much!

They leave. Cosima’s alone for a few minutes until she senses a presence behind her – a presence she knows all too well – and she gets up to face the blonde. 

Delphine is smiling gently at her and now Cosima notices the blue under her tired eyes. The tall woman leans down to kiss her but then seems to think better of it, and the two pecks are just that; pecks on the cheeks, close to the ears.

“Bonsoir,” Delphine sits down and they share another shy smile as they take their seats by the table.

“Bonsoir,” Cosima attempts, “I’ve been here barely four hours and already I’ve butchered your beautiful language.”

The other woman chuckles and looks at the menu, “I’ve heard worse.”

“Oh, good to know,” Cosima clears her throat and when neither of them says anything, the air starts to feel light and heavy, dry and humid, all at the same time. There’s so much that should be said, so many sorrys and so many whys that have yet to be said because they both know they crave answers as much as they crave questions. Yet, it’s too much.

Cosima feels a headache lurking up her neck and her nerves are itching for her to do  _ something.  _ To meet the other woman’s gaze has never been more intimate than in this moment under the influence of sour wine and the weight of tragic history. She ends up studying a drop of sauce spilled on the table and keeps her hands busy by carefully wiping it away with her napkin. But it’s not enough – she feels the other woman throw small glances her way. Cosima feels velvety soft eyes burning holes in her beaten body and building a pressure so high she doesn’t know if she can contain it anymore or let it out in cry of despair.

“I need to know,” Cosima starts but stops herself when a waiter interrupts to ask Delphine if she would like to order.

The brunette feels her courage waver and observes as polite French words were exchanged between the blonde and the young boy who is scribbling down words on his little notepad. The moment was once again lost and Cosima doesn't know how to find a way back to it.

Instead, she focuses on the way the other woman’s fingers are fidgeting, massaging each digit between a thumb and an index finger. She focuses on how the dim light illuminates the golden streaks in her hair, enhancing each lock as they fall in heavy waves around her willowy frame. She observes how a few stray ringlets have curled around her kind face, notices that the lines under her eyes are deeper and the laugh lines around her mouth have somewhat been smoothened out, as if they hadn't been used for awhile.

There it is – the aching longing – humming in the pit of her stomach and making her heart pound in her chest and it's been some time since she had felt it this strong. It's suddenly all too hot in there and–

Something is nudging her feet and she shakes the trance off. Delphine looks at her and Cosima realises that the blonde is leaning over the table, hand stretched in front of her as if she's reaching for her, reaching out. And Cosima wants to put her whole life in that hand as she had done time and time again, but  _ fool me once  _ and the voices keep her in her place.

“Talk to me,” Delphine urges her after the waiter is long gone, and they find themselves seated more closely together, but larger doubts hang heavy in the air.

However, there's something in Delphine's words that sets Cosima off, making her lose her footing and think she might fall into the pitch black abyss. Then she sees red. Hot rage and regret blaze behind her tired eyelids because how, she wonders, how can she just sit there and ask me to talk to her when she hasn't said a single word in two months? How can she reach out now when I've been drowning for so long already?

“No,” Cosima spits and straightens her back. Her blood is boiling and her heart hammering; steady and alive, “I gave you the chance to talk before but you didn't take it. You disappeared, making me believe you were  _ dead _ . In my head you were buried in the woods without anyone knowing where.”

Delphine is biting her lip, and her eyes are tightly shut, forcing back her tears. Cosima doesn’t let her in,  _ how dare she cry in front of me! _

“I was scared to death every time someone asked me to sit down because they had something to tell me. I was scared they would throw me pictures of your lifeless body into my lap, confirming all my fears. I used to break down in tears every damn time. I had dreams, Delphine, nightmares that kept me from sleeping at night because  _ I was scared shitless  _ that you weren't safe. So no, you don't get to fucking care about me,” Cosima is seething and every word is meant as a punch. She wants the other woman to hurt.

After a second, Delphine meets her eyes and there's so much remorse and shame in her eyes that it has Cosima wincing. Delphine reminds her so much of herself; broken, guilty and so very lonely. But she can't back down now because the words and the emotions are spilling out of her like vomit.

“The only thing you should do, Dr Cormier, is to talk. Explain yourself. What happened that night? Where did you go after you left me at Alison’s party? Why are you here and why, for fuck’s sake, haven't you said a word in two months?”

When Cosima is done, her head hurts and she feels sick and the longing is so intense she's clinging hard onto the table to keep herself from jumping over it. She doesn't know what she would do if the piece of furniture wasn't keeping her in her seat. Delphine’s expression cuts deep holes in her soul and Cosima feels the guilt rain down on her. It’s freezing and burning all at the same time and she can’t hide from the icy embers piercing her skin. She can’t even spend five minutes alone with this woman before lashing out. Before she hurts the one she should hurt the least. It had been intentional but now, now she feels –  _ disgusting. _

She's vile and terrible and oh god she doesn't deserve anyone. Delphine doesn't owe Cosima anything. Delphine is still looking at her with this reflection of herself and it makes it even worse.

“I should… I should go,” Cosima breathes and stumbles to her feet to run before Delphine can see the panic and terror haunting her because  _ I'm not that broken _ .

Though just as Cosima is heading towards the exit, she hears a trembling “don't go,” and stops dead in her tracks. There's barely a trace of the woman who had enchanted her with her fascination for micro universes in cells or had wrapped her around fingers so easily with that sparkly gaze whenever the wonders of the world were discussed; bygone simpler times when they had been so compatible.

Delphine is just as battered as she is; just as small and empty and lonely and Cosima knows it's her fault.  _ Things would've been so different if I just trusted you. Or myself. _

“I can't tell you any of things. I can't – I can't give you answers,” the blonde says after Cosima has calmed down. There's instead a melancholy silence inside her, and the rage that had quickly subsided, left her drained.

“Answers are all I want, Delphine,” Cosima mutters, “I think I need to go.”

Right away she feels the guilt, gnawing and chewing at her, as she is making her way down the street back to the hotel.  _ I can't even keep you company during a simple dinner without lashing out. _

The whole way back she keeps wondering why she couldn’t keep her mouth shut;  _ why why why do you have to be like this _ ,  _ Cosima _ .  _ Delphine wanted you to stay, wanted you to be with her and you just left her. _

All the calm she had been feeling was completely drained from her; instead she was flooded with the anger, the shame, the regret and the guilt all at once. Cosima shivers and can't stop her knees from shaking, so she leans against a wall. It's cold and dirty but she can't take another step forward.

Cosima had been exhausted for a long time; her body would give way in the middle of the day and she would just spend the remaining time before dinner staring at a wall. Sometimes she would try and sleep but she usually woke up with nasty images burned into her retina and shivers lingering along her spine for hours.

A sob retches from her chest and instead of righteous rage she feels the hopelessness come creeping to the front.  _ How can I fix this? Why am I here? Nothing good will come out of this. _

She is again considering running but this time she wants to go home and hope that Delphine forgets her. Forgets everything that is Cosima, the essence of their past love and life fading into nothingness until it feels like it never existed at all. Cosima convinces herself that everything would have just been fine if she had never gone here. That it would be better for Delphine if she just forced them apart forever.

In a split second a decision was made. Cosima hears the line connecting to her sister’s phone, when it's picked up, “ _ hello? _ ”

“Sarah? Sarah! This was all a mistake I'm so sorry I dragged you all into this and bothered you all–”

_ “Calm down, Cosima _ ,” Sarah interrupts her rambling, “ _ tell me what happened. Are you okay? _ ”

“I'm, erm, not okay. Nope. I need to go home, I can't be here,” Cosima shudders as a fresh wave of tears stream down her face.

_ “Where are you?” _

“I’m,” Cosima looks around, “two blocks from the hotel. Outside that bakery you wanted to visit tomorrow.”

She hears Sarah sigh and it fills her with even more guilt even though it was just the ordinary “Sarah sigh” she's so used to. A sigh that doesn't mean anything.

“ _ Come back to the hotel so we can talk about this,”  _ Sarah finally says.

“I can't move. My legs won't work, I'm not feeling very well,” Cosima explains and as she says it, the exhaustion is truly dawning on her and the lack of nutrition mixed with too much wine makes her head spin. She feels as though she's walking on stormy clouds.

“ _ Wait there for me, okay? Don't do anything stupid. _ ”

Cosima nods but remembers Sarah can't see her, “yep. Okay,” and then Sarah hangs up.

The midsummer air is cool and feels nice against Cosima’s feverish skin. It clears her mind a bit as a chilly breeze plays on her cheeks. Small and barely visible, a lone star is winking down on her and she wishes she was back in Canada. Strangely enough, she wishes she was in Alison’s neighbourhood because there the stars weren't as smothered by pollution and city lights as they are in Paris.

Constellations and faraway celestial bodies had a calming effect on Cosima. That they were light years away shows just how insignificant their existence really is. To many, the thought was distressing but there was a small reassurance in the way that every mistake was really just a small dent in the infinite. Nebulas and stars and galaxies would continue to work in mysterious  ways; earth would continue to orbit around the sun.

It's just that the stars won't help her now.

A few minutes later, Sarah comes running down an alley and when she spots Cosima leaning against a wall, she hurries up to her.

“Cosima,” she says and looks her up and down in search for any signs of emergency.

“Sarah,” Cosima allows herself to hiccup, “we have to go home.”

The English clone shakes her head, “what happened?”

Cosima spills everything, reveals more than she first intended. She talks about the emotions that cloud everything, that she feels guilty and ashamed of what happened to Delphine. She confesses the regret but also the anger.. Yes, she's furious and the rage has been simmering just below the surface, perfectly veiled behind the loathing.

Sarah doesn't say anything, her eyes are focused on Cosima and she lets her vent. It's needed and welcome because finally Cosima is something other than just sad. She's finally angry about something and even if it's mostly being angry at herself, it's something other than this constant wallowing and sorrow.

“I should just let her go, shouldn't I?” Cosima asks when there's a moment of silence. A rock has been unloaded from Cosima’s hunched shoulders and it feels a little easier to breathe.

“You should,” Sarah simply responds with a shrug, “but that's not the Cosima I know.”

The scientist gives her a curious glance, “who’s the Cosima you know?”

Sarah turns toward her, a small lopsided smile tugging at her lips and she pulls Cosima close in a side hug, “the Cosima I know takes no shit – much like the rest of her clones. She always strives to find solutions instead of problems and she looks at the world in a way unlike anyone else I've ever met.”

It's like the ice has shattered when Cosima grins. Her grin is small but it's there, warm and reposed – a step up above the shoreline and the cold waves that try to pull her down. Even though the grin is quick to fade and a distant look glimmers in her eyes, Sarah is still sure that the woman she just described is finding her footing anew somewhere in there.

“Yeah,” Cosima whispers, “she was pretty awesome.”

“She was. I miss her,” Sarah rests her head on Cosima’s shoulder and studies the few passers-by who throw strange looks their way, as if the sight of two sisters leaning against a building were an unusual sight in France.

“What should I do?” once again she sounds so small and unsure of herself and the world. 

“You do whatever you want to do. However, running is not the solution. Trust me, I know about running and it only hurts yourself and the people you love. I think you can fix this. I mean, give it a chance. We're in bloody Paris for Christ’s sake! The city of  _ love _ ! I'm sure you and Frenchie can work this out somehow,” Sarah says cheekily and stands up, “let's get you back to the hotel and in a warm bed. You look like crap.”

“Thanks, sis” Cosima scoffs but takes the hand Sarah offers.

Sarah is a mountain; steady and permanent. She supports you when you walk down the streets of an unfamiliar city when your legs are weary and your heart, restless.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this ended with some sister-bonding. I love writing Sarah and Cosima together. I believe Cosima is the kind of person who doesn't let one person change her this much but the situation kind of forced her there. That's why I love the idea of so many people helping her pick herself up. And don't get mad at me for the slow burn, you will thank me in the end!


	7. Ch 6: Variations Under Domestication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter. I think this is a little breather from all the angst. It's also a chapter that's been awaited. Also, on Saturday I'm going away for a few weeks and don't know if I will be able to update. Maybe one or two times. But after that, I'll be back on track again.
> 
> Thank you Darim for editing away all my excessive "ands", and of course for all the other things you improved! 
> 
> Enjoy! x

The next day passes by with only radio silence from Delphine. Cosima thinks she has done it, that she finally managed to cut whatever string that had until now kept them attached. Felix says that after Cosima’s little rant, Delphine probably only wanted to give her some space. Cosima isn’t so sure but given how Felix still has some kind of faith in Delphine, it’s saying something so she lets another night go. 

Sarah and Kira wake her up the next day with freshly baked buns and croissants from that little bakery Sarah had discovered. They all lie in Cosima’s bed and there are crumbs everywhere and spilt jam on the floor because Sarah is a messy eater. Felix is packing his bag and preparing to go back to Canada the following night. Kira jokes about it being weird now that she’s the one having adventures in the world while Felix is leaving them behind.   

It's a calm morning; a morning Cosima revels in and loves the easy way they just work but as always she feels just a tiny bit left out. A tiny bit empty.

What Sarah had said triggered something in Cosima. She hadn't even noticed how far from herself she had strayed. The night before, she spent sleepless, twisting and turning in bed, trying to reach deep within herself.

Even though she just wanted to forget Shay, the mysterious woman had left rather big questions lingering in her mind, only to resurface in times when Cosima started to question herself. Often she wondered about spirits and whether there was something that could connect two souls together. It usually ended in Cosima thinking back on the spiritual experience taking place in Felix’s loft and there were times she wondered if Delphine hadn't felt it, too. Or if she could feel her now…

It had been frustrating to delve so deep into herself only to find nothing and realising how lost she was. She truly doesn't know where she ends and her sadness begins. She’s not even sure when or how it all happened. When had she let herself wander so far off?

She’s also asking herself how she will get through this. Though she is well aware that it won’t be easy. In fact, it will be so hard that she’s already somewhat sure it’s not even possible. These thoughts leads to other, perhaps bigger and more profound wonderings:   _ who am I? What is my place in this big world?  _ And when it’s so quiet and dark and the loneliness burns through her skin, she thinks of all the clones out there, which gives her a headache because grasping identity is like attempting to grasp infinity – it’s just something you can’t comprehend.

Cosima is pulled back from the abyss of her mind by a knock on the door and Kira who’s already running to get it.

“Hey Kira–” Sarah tries but it's too late. The person on the other side is still shielded by the door but Cosima already knows who Kira greeted because  _ who else? _

“Hello, Kira,” a small voice responds and it Cosima’s stomach churns.  

“Delphine!” the little girl says and Cosima sees her reaching out for the tall woman and pulling her in for a hug.

Kira glances at Cosima. Her niece knows all too well and way too much and the scientist clone can only smile in a meek response to Delphine’s concerned expression.

“Cos? You alright?” Sarah checks with her after eyeing the blonde suspiciously. Cosima nods and helps Sarah clean up the breakfast quickly.

“Okay monkey, I think it's time we get you in a bath. You have a smelly bum and we can't let these fancy frenchies believe my child doesn't clean herself,” Sarah jokes and Kira sticks out her tongue before leaving Cosima’s room.

It's like all the warmth is sucked out of the room when they leave because between the two women, only a distant and quiet chill is present. It weighs tons and Cosima senses the usual exhaustion in the back of her head.

“Hi Delphine,” she greets the woman in front of her and motions for her to take a seat across from her. She suddenly remembers the time Delphine would have joined her in the bed. But that was a time when Delphine and Cosima had less baggage between them and fewer contentious topics to talk about.

“Bonjour. I'm sorry I interrupted your breakfast but…” Delphine stutters and fidgets with her hands again, lip caught in her teeth, “I wanted to talk.”

Cosima nods, unsure of where this is going. She wants to scream that she's the one who's sorry because she acted like a jerk the other day, that Delphine has all the right to just never talk to her again if she so wishes it.

“I want to give you answers, I really do. And I've thought about it, revealing everything to you. I've come to the conclusion that everything I've ever done, has been to keep you safe. It's been morally conflicting yes, but isn't this…  _ Situation;  _ all the experiments and DYAD and Neolution and Topside, I–, I don't even know where my own morals and ethics are anymore. I just know that I want to keep you safe,” her lips are quivering and Cosima sees the struggle in her eyes and swallows back the urge to reach out, to console and comfort and leave all of this behind.

“And I've kept you safe, to the best of my abilities. I have done things I am not proud of, to help you. The pain I have caused you, the pain and cost of my actions – I’m sorry for that but I don't know if I regret it. Because you're still alive. You made me believe I was selfish, that everything I did was selfish but it wasn't. I'm not selfish,” She uttered that statement more for herself, Cosima hopes, because Delphine is the least selfish person Cosima has ever met.

“Anyway, I swore to fight for all of you and so I did. I gave you up to fight for Sarah and for Kira and Helena and Alison– I put you all first. So now, when I'm about to tell you exactly what happened, I'm making my first selfish decision in all of this. But I need you to promise me you will help yourself because otherwise I won't tell you,” her words are serious and her eyes are pleading.

The only thing though, is that Cosima can't promise. She doesn't know how to help herself, doesn't even know where she is or who she is anymore and responds with, “I can't do that.”

“You can do it Cosima. For all your sisters, you have to,” Delphine urges, begs, and Cosima hasn't noticed her own tears until a tremor of self doubt runs through her.

“I don't know Delphine, I can't promise you that. You know, you should just leave me. I can't be the person I once was. I'm too broken, too sad – you deserve more.” 

Delphine's eyes turn cold and Cosima cowers under her stare, “I deserve and need you to do this. Don't let my fight have been in vain only for you to give up. I won't let you.”

“Oh for god's sake Delphine, you don't have to take care of me anymore. Focus on your new life where my problems are none of your business anymore,” Cosima sounds almost bitter and she wishes the other woman would just leave her.

“You think I have nothing to do with you anymore? You think I've what? Completely left you all behind?” she laughs mirthlessly, “I've devoted my life to Leda. I did that as soon as I joined DYAD. I'm still in this. What I'm wondering is, what are  _ you  _ doing here? Why aren't you back at home focusing on  _ your  _ life, on  _ your _ health? What happened with Shay? Couldn't she handle you being a clone? What happened after I left – have you even tried fixing all this at all?” Delphine is by now standing, towering over Cosima, making her feel even more guilty.

The small woman opens up to every accusation that coats Delphine’s words, letting them all in and hopes she's never saturated. This is exactly what she needed. She needed to know that  Delphine has had enough and that Cosima was wrong all along.

“I'm– I'm not with Shay anymore. I'm not– I'm not me anymore,” Cosima admits quietly and slumps down on the bed. Delphine is still looming over her, above her in every aspect.

“Promise me you will pick yourself up, and I promise you answers,” Delphine is getting ready to leave and as soon as she's heading toward the door, Cosima is quick to her feet.

“Please! Don't go,”  _ don't leave me _ , “I will promise that I try,” Cosima vows that she would.

There's a meaning in the look Delphine gives her, and it's full of more trust and hope than Cosima has earned.

“Okay,” Delphine finally nods and there’s a ghost of a smile tugging at the blonde’s lips, “I can do trying.”

As Cosima breathes out, it’s as a small weight has been lifted off her chest and she can really see that Delphine has not left her. Will not leave her. She continues to fight for her. Has she forgiven her? Maybe, maybe not.  _ But I will never deserve her.  _

“Do you still want to tell me? I understand if you’d rather–”

“Please, Cosima, can you stop belittling yourself? Yes I will tell you if you promise to listen to  _ everything  _ I say and not make any conclusion before I’m done,” Delphine shuts her up and with another stern look, Cosima agrees.

And so Cosima listens and doesn’t realise that Delphine sits down beside her on the bed.

“You already know all about Neolution infiltrating Topside, don’t you?” Cosima nods as Delphine continues, “then it probably doesn’t come as a surprise to you that Topside had infiltrated Neolution as well. They were aware of the biohackers in the system but Neolution blew out of proportions and suddenly, Topside was outnumbered. In the end, it became apparent that they were never in charge at all.”

Cosima almost develops a headache from trying to grasp the corruption upon corruption baked into all these powerful corporations and felt so small knowing that she was merely a pawn in this cat and mouse game. Who else made the moves and who else got to suffer the repercussions?

“However, Topside still had some tricks up their sleeves and moles inside Neolution as well and we came up with a plan. Ferdinand was just a face, never really working behind the wheel at all but after he found out about Neolution’s infiltration of Topside, he and some of the higher ups such as Marion Bowles helped me. We knew my head was a target and that I was the weak link and the only thing that kept them from Leda. So to keep all of you safe, I had to be discharged,” and this is where Cosima gasps because  _ no this can’t be it _ and her stomach turns upside down and inside out.

“I said you’d let me finish, Cosima. Don’t jump to your own conclusions,” Delphine reprimands her and all of a sudden, a soft palm is placed upon hers and a thumb absentmindedly strokes. Cosima’s whole being freezes and she’s only aware of that simple touch; a touch that had once been so natural between them. The air seems to be charged. Loaded. There’s enough space between them and yet– she can’t seem to move away. Delphine’s skin is so very warm, so very soothing, so very familiar. It aches to know that it’s just a small, simple gesture.

“Please, go on,” Cosima swallows and try not to think of the fact that  _ Delphine is touching me  _ or that  _ Delphine pretended to be dead. _

“Thank you,” Delphine takes her hand away.  She flinches slightly when she realises what she has done, but lets it pass just as quickly, “I staged my own death. It was necessary because you’re not safe, Cosima. You and your sisters are a gold mine in today’s science and people will always be out for you. It’s of great importance that you are to be kept safe and secret because otherwise– your humanity will be stripped off of you as if it never existed. You are but an experiment to them.”

The blonde takes a deep breath and her eyes have never seemed more tired in that moment, as if it’s finally dawning on her exactly what’s going on here and how much is at stake - how out of control she really is.   

“It’s okay if you want to take a break or something,” Cosima mumbles and her soul is longing to take the blonde into her arms and be there for her. Show her that  _ I’m by your side now, always.  _

“It’s okay. It’s just a lot to handle,” she shrugs and their gazes lock. Another silence erupts as oceans far between finally collide and Cosima feels at home.

“Yeah, it’s a lot to grasp I admit,” Cosima whispers with a nervous smile, “but I’m happy you wanted to share this with me. If you don’t mind it, may I ask you what happened after that? Why are you in Paris and what have you been doing here?”

Delphine returns the smile; soft and hinting at something wonderful. However, it is soon replaced with yet another one of those frowns and they deepen the lines under her eyes. Cosima can see that this is taking its toll on the blonde, that she’s still fighting and working way too hard. She just hopes it won’t affect her negatively in the end – that she can come back from this with one of those bright smiles one day in a distant future.

“I was sent here because Topside believes I can still work for them. We staged a shooting and then I was sent off to Paris. Neolution is all over the headquarters in Frankfurt but has, so far, no idea that Topside works in Paris as well. Here I get to make sure no clones in Europe are harmed and still have access to data from all over the world. I get to work in a lab again, Cosima. For example, I’ve been working on a cure,” and at the mention of a cure, Delphine quiets.

“How’s it going?” Cosima wants to know. She wants to know every detail and every step of the process. She wants to know about Delphine’s life here. As if she was with her through it all, making crazy science again...

“It’s going slow. I feel like ripping my hair out most of the time because not a single subject survives long enough. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I’ve been going over every calculation and every step of the method at least ten times a day. I still can’t manage to crack it, it’s– ugh, I feel like I’m so close,” Delphine sighs in exasperation and pushes a few stray locks of hair from her face.

“Maybe you could indulge me one day, I’d love to help you out,” Cosima bites her lip and is slowly staggering to something she once was so familiar with – science and the feeling of excitement coursing through her body whenever she knows she’s in her element.

“You have no idea how tempted I am to let you do that,” responds the blonde, “but I’m not allowed to be seen with you, let alone in the lab. If they knew I was here– I’m jeopardizing so much by telling you everything.”

“I see. But the offer remains so if you ever take work home with you I’d gladly lend you a hand.”

“I will remember that,” Delphine purses her lips and hides behind a wall of thick golden hair in an attempt not to let Cosima see the blush tinting pale cheeks. The attempt fails, and Cosima’s chest explodes in butterflies at the sight.

“We also talked about you showing me around Paris, if I’m not mistaken.”

  
“It appears we did,” and this time Delphine dares to meet Cosima’s gaze even though her cheeks still adorn a rosy pinkish hue. Cosima can almost feel the old ties beginning to mend. Slowly but steady. 


	8. Ch 7: Effects of External Conditions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a the last taste you'll get for a while. Promise you won't get too frustrated at the end ;) Now I'm escaping the grey clouds to go to the warmth. Almost too much warmth. I'll hopefully be able to update at least once. Let me know what you think of this chapter! 
> 
> Thank you again, Darim. Your help means a lot! 
> 
> Enjoy! x

Later that night, Sarah was happy to see the corners of Cosima’s lips turn up into a smile. It’s refreshing and even Kira is excited at the change in her aunt’s mood. It had lasted from when Delphine had left Cosima’s room earlier that day – after deciding to meet up the next day already. Sarah had given her thumbs up and a few teasing words to get her sister giggling. The sound had her exhale in relief because it sure felt like years since she last heard it. 

They had spent the rest of the day walking aimlessly on Parisian streets and even visited the Eiffel Tower. However, Cosima didn’t want to push her luck by climbing those horrid stairs and risk a coughing fit in the middle of Paris, so they settled on just observing the huge structure.

All in all, it had been a pleasant day. Cosima wasn't at the moment drowning in her own loathing or in the blood just waiting to drench her lungs. She finally got some answers to still her stormy thoughts for a short while but as usual, when she had gotten the time to process it all, she would start to question everything.

The already lingering doubt turned to more self doubt. As the sky grew darker, her mood did too, and she was certain Delphine had other reasons for her months-long silence.

Cosima came to the conclusion that Delphine didn’t want to be with her because why would she? There was still so much left unspoken between them, so many problems yet to be solved – problems only Cosima had brought into her life and amplified.

_ Was I that bad in bed?  _ Or worse,  _ was Leekie that good?  _ Delphine had been subjected to an honest session of 20 questions one night and had confessed to the affair that went on between her and the creepy, old doctor. She said it had purely been to further her own career, which Cosima could understand considering the tough business women faced in climbing the career ladder. But now, she felt sure that Delphine would rather be with Aldous Leekie than with her.

There isn't a limit to what Cosima conjured up in her mind and every thought was far worse than the one that came before it.  _ Maybe she just didn't want to handle my constant distrust in her and left without a word. Maybe she just grew tired of me. _

That night as soon as Sarah put Kira to sleep and left Cosima alone in her room, the young scientist picked up the bottle of wine she had bought earlier that day and decided to continue her downward spiral. The wine tasted bittersweet, spicy, but worst of all, it reminded her of someone she didn’t want to be reminded of.

_ Of course she would lie to me about her true motives. Of course she would never want to hear from me again, and here I go barging in on her life. She doesn't want me here. I bet she's laughing at me right now in bed with some French god or goddess between her sheets. _

These thoughts keep taunting her, laughing at her, and all she can do is try to drown them out with more wine. Contrary to her wishes, It only enhances them and yet she can't stop herself from having a fourth, even a fifth glass. An evening of wine and guilt.

_ You really thought she would just invite you into her life, after what you did? She probably lied about staging her injury as well. She was probably dying alone on cold, hard ground because you had to push her away. You made her lonely. You are despicable. You should call her now and cancel the plans _

By the time Cosima has helped herself to a sixth glass, she notices the now empty bottle and what she really wants to do is smash it against the wall but–. As soon as she tries to lift the bottle she slumps down onto her knees and realises she's too weak. Instead, she calls the blonde but ends up reaching only her voicemail.

“I need you, Delphine,” she almost gags on her own words and furiously wipes away stinging tears. Her alcohol infused brain tells her that she's nothing without Delphine and that she's a pathetic waste of space.  Oh how she agrees. She finds herself compulsively wanting to tear the small, fragile trust she had managed to build with Delphine during the day.

“I promised you that I would try but I can’t. You don’t have to fight for me, Delphine. I shouldn’t be your responsibility. I think we should just end everything now, whatever this is. It’s for the best,” Cosima’s voice is weak and quivering. She barely recognises it herself, “don’t pick me up tomorrow. Bye,” she throws the phone away, hearing it land on the soft carpet with a  _ thud _ .

_ You promised her you would try, but why bother fighting when she obviously doesn't want you anymore? She’s out there, still fighting for you and you’re still here having accomplished nothing but give everyone around you a hard time.   _

Cosima is all cried out an hour later, lying on her bed with her arms wrapped around her knees, when Sarah knocks on her door.

“Cosima? Can I come in?” Sarah asks and Cosima croaks a short “yes,” for an answer. Her sister opens the door with the extra key she had. The small woman on the bed can literally feel the worry radiating off her sister.

“Oi, how's it going?” she asks softly and slides down on the bed behind Cosima, “must have been hell of a party in here,” she teases, having seen the empty bottle of wine.

“I’m going to have a killer headache tomorrow,” she coughs quietly and winces when the room spins from the alcohol splashing in her blood. Sarah chuckles, which earns her a halfhearted slap. Cosima misses her completely and winds up hitting just the bed spread instead.

“You suck,” Sarah chuckles, and Cosima joins in her laughter. She's still facing away from Sarah but she enjoys the relaxed atmosphere the brooding clone always seems to carry with her – as if she's always so sure and aware of herself. Cosima envies it.

“I do, Sarah. I really do. I suck at everything,” Cosima whines. She wants to smack herself for sounding so pathetic.

“You rock at pretty much everything but social interactions, sis,” Sarah admits.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Cosima turns around and rests her head on Sarah’s shoulder, “because I don’t think it’s working.”

“Hey, what happened to your good mood?” Sarah asks and searches Cosima's eyes. What she is looking for, Cosima doesn’t know.

“I just realised how fucking naive I was. Still am,” Cosima just sighs and stares at the ceiling.

“What? Did Delphine come by or something? I'm not following.”

Cosima shakes her head and closes her eyes. She tries to silence all the voices inside her mind, all the noxious words and self destructive thoughts. It's draining to hate oneself this much, but it feels impossible to stop.  

“There's something wrong with me, Sarah. I can't trust in good things anymore,” her voice breaks, “I seriously feel like I'm the cause of all the problems and I– I just can't stop feeling like I'm better off going anywhere but here, anywhere I won't ruin everything.”

“Cosima, hey, we both now that's not true. You've been through a lot recently and add that on top of fighting your own immune system. It's natural you hit a wall,” Sarah explains and puts a comforting arm around Cosima.

The younger woman contemplates her words and wants to believe them so badly, but she doesn't know how, “you haven't hit it. I wish I was as strong as you.”

“I have Kira, she helps keep me on my feet every day. Plus, someone's gotta save your sorry asses every now and then,” Sarah tries to lighten the mood but is not very successful.  

They both lay in silence, Cosima letting Sarah’s presence soothe her aching soul while Sarah’s enjoying her sister’s presence. Once again Cosima finds herself admiring how strong and constant Sarah is and how much she has grown during the last year, despite the craziness.  _ I should be like her. _

“God, I’d love a joint right now,” Cosima wishes and earns an eye roll from her sister.

“I do not because then I'd have to deal with you going all weird on me again,” Sarah jokes again, “but I'd love it if you could open up a bit more. I wanna know what's going on in that clever brain of yours.”

And she wants to spill it all out again, unload all her worries and doubts onto Sarah so she can help her carry them up this endless hill. If Sarah is with her, then she won't slide back down again if the road turns muddy and slippery. But Cosima can't do that, can't let Sarah handle everything when she's the one already keeping them all together and safe.

“You basically know everything already. It's kind of the same thing I told you the other day,” Cosima instead says and it's not completely a lie but it's not what Sarah wants to hear either.

Yet, Sarah only looks at her and wishes she would know exactly how to help her, “okay,” is what she eventually says and squeezes Cosima's arm as a gesture of comfort.

In ten minutes, Cosima’s breathing has turned heavy, deep and even. She’s about to fall asleep. She senses Sarah shuffle beside her and move to climb off the bed, not however, without pressing a soft kiss to Cosima’s forehead followed by a quiet whisper that penetrates the scientist’s subconscious, “dear sister, please live for yourself too.”

Then she was left to dream in peace.

 

* * *

 

The next day she wakes up with a throbbing headache and finds a glass of water accompanied with an ibuprofen on her nightstand. Grateful for Sarah’s considerate gesture, she gulps down the clear cool liquid and forces herself to swallow the pill.

She showers and brushes her teeth to rid herself of the last remaining traces of last night’s pity party. She scrubbed away at her body, hard enough trying to scrape away the anxiety that had settled so strongly over her.  

There’s a rapid knock on her door. Cosima, wrapped in just a towel, thinking it’s only Sarah or Felix runs to get it but as soon as she turns the doorknob, it’s pushed open violently and in storms an angry blonde.  

“Sit,” is the only word she hisses at Cosima. The look of fury on Delphine’s face is sending shivers down Cosima’s spine and she obeys unknowingly, stumbling back and hitting the back of her knees on the bed.

“Delphine–,” Cosima stutters in surprise but one glance from the tall woman shuts her up immediately.

“Non, listen to me. You promised you would try. You said you would try. I won’t tolerate any more lies from now on, okay? You don’t get to change your mind when I’ve put you and myself in danger by telling you everything. You don’t get to betray me  _ again _ ,” Delphine’s words rip apart her unhealed wounds.  

“You don’t get to quit when I won’t ever give up on you, do you understand that?” she is relentless, having no idea how her words affect Cosima: how they tear her down, how they punch through every wall until the bricks are crumbling. That’s when Cosima thinks her soul will finally explode.

Every fear she’s ever had, every worry, every regret is thrown back at her. She's falling and even though Delphine is at this moment admitting she will be there for her, she can't catch her since Cosima's nowhere to be found.

“Don't you see what I'm doing to you, Delphine? I'm awful. My decisions and my actions towards you forced you to change your life. If it wasn't for me and my stupid stubbornness – my thick skull,– you wouldn't have had to fake your death for us. You shouldn't have had to,” Cosima’s voice is weak. Beaten and fragile and small.

“I treated you like dirt. You fought for me and I pushed you away–”

“Then don't. Don't push me away again, Cosima. Let me help you. I forgive you, if that's what it takes for you to get up and  _ try. _ I forgive you,” Delphine’s tone lowers into a whisper, though still booming against Cosima’s gentle echo in the void.

Cosima thinks her heart will stop. This is what she had been wanting to hear, needed to but hadn't known. However, now that Delphine is standing here in front of her, saying all these comforting things, she’s buckling underneath all that self loathing. Every time she thinks she has taken a step forward, she always finds herself three steps back instead.

“I don't know how,” she mumbles, “what if I get hurt again? I– I feel so lonely. Everyone leaves, Shay,  _ you _ . The only people I got are my sisters and we’re all in danger,” Cosima tears up when the weight of the world within comes crashing down.

“Let me in, Cosima–,”

“No! Don't help me ever again, I need to stand on my own two feet. Plus, I'm not worth it. It's not even guaranteed I'll make it.”

Delphine sighs and her eyes turn sad. That last sentence had another meaning behind it, one that left a nasty taste in both their mouths. Something snapped inside the blonde, the fury reappearing with newfound strength.

“Oh no. Don't you fucking dare leave me now. I stand by what I said, you play a part in this too and that's to cure your sick sisters,” Delphine seethes, “you owe me that.”

When Delphine had showed up from Frankfurt in power suits and straight hair, it had terrified Cosima. Her take-no-bullcrap attitude fit her new appearance like a glove and even though Cosima will admit it had been a bit of a turn-on, she had been scared. Scared to lose Delphine. Scared because Delphine had seemed so  _ angry _ all the time.

It was nothing compared to what she sees on the blonde’s face now. The return of those golden curly tresses was such a contrast to the pure fury on the often kind face. It rattles Cosima to the core.

She shakes her head, “I'll only be in your way as usual Delphine, I'm too weak. I don't have the energy nor the willpower to do what you want me to do.”

“I can't do this alone, I won't do this alone,” the blonde is searching the brunette’s eyes, to see if all Cosima says is true. If she really has given up.

Cosima shies away, refuses to meet Delphine’s piercing stare. She knows the taller woman has the ability to completely barge into her soul, her mind, to wreak havoc in every crook and corner of her self. Cosima also knows that she can't but let her, and when Delphine does it, she will welcome her in.

From the moment Delphine had stepped into her room, forced herself into the small space of Cosima’s comfort zone, that old charge in the air came back in full force. It was thick and hot like steam from boiling water. The magnetic pull between them pushed Cosima toward the blonde that she couldn't stop, which made it easier for Delphine to pull at Cosima’s strings like a puppeteer.

That is exactly what Delphine does. She demands to be let in and Cosima can only oblige, is only able to obey every command. It's only possible to go down on bended knees and take whatever she gives.

What she isn't ready for, is how the blonde’s hands cup her cheek. How, without hesitation,even forcefully, Delphine pulls the sitting woman toward her. All trace of tenderness and care disappear when long fingers dig into Cosima’s dreadlocks. Her scalp stings from the pull but it's all forgotten when a pair of lips easily and eagerly collides with hers.


	9. Ch 8 - This Darkness I Seek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii and sorry it took so long to update. My vacation is really awesome so far so not much writing has been done. Thank you for your patience! :) 
> 
> As always, I appreciate your editing skills Darim. You rock! 
> 
> Enjoy! x

  
Delphine watches as the love of her life crumbles before her, collapsing into dust around her small body. The only thing she can do is make sure she doesn’t step on glass. However, there's one thing that bugs the blonde; Cosima never breaks.

She bends until Delphine thinks she will snap. It never happens. Cosima keeps telling her how horribly she feels, how disgusted with herself she is. Delphine can't but think she has to do something – anything – to make the other woman just break. After all, if she does, what more could Cosima possibly do to herself?

This woman in front of her was not the woman she fell in love with. That woman is a great universe trapped inside a human form, a complex constellation of stars and galaxies yet undiscovered. This creature, on the other hand, is just a black hole – it sucks all the light in when it should be radiating warmth.

It gets too much for Delphine who decides to lash out. Every word, every derogatory term she can think of spills from her mouth in hopes Cosima will have enough. Get provoked. She spits them out all the while feeling the burn of tears behind her lids until her English vocabulary isn't enough and – fuck, everything sounds more vulgar in your mother tongue.

How? How could you let yourself become this weak, Cosima?

Finally, having had enough, she goes silent, deciding to punish Cosima the only way she can think of. Delphine hopes it will make the other woman react in ways other than just pure submission, so she closes the space between them.

Their kiss is at first hard, just lips meeting lips in a cold, loveless reunion. Eventually, Cosima realises what is happening and deepens their kiss. Although, once again, she just takes whatever Delphine gives, angry as she was.

The kiss stirs something in her, something she had worked so hard to push back into the darkest corners of her mind. It's tingling, terrifying and sickly wonderful all at once. It makes her breathe loud and heavy.

Their kissing turns feverish; a plump lower lip bitten and teeth clash as they both surrender to the longing and regret they had long repressed. In a way, the pain is comforting.

Cosima tries to flip them both over and take control. Delphine knows better, knows every trick the petite woman has up her sleeve. She is stern in her movements, forcing the other woman into submission. In the end, Cosima gives in and lets Delphine roll over her like an ocean wave.

Soon Delphine is giving in to the urge to discover, to re- explore what once had been lost. Cosima lets out a soft whimper as Delphine’s lips make their way down her throat. Even though Delphine can't help but enjoy the new feeling of being slightly more alive, she doesn't ignore the still simmering rage that’s about to tip over the edge.

Her teeth dig into skin, inhaling the scent that is Cosima.The other woman is pushed down on her back with her arms pinned beside her head as the blonde climbs above. Cosima squirms underneath and twists her head to give Delphine more access. The only sounds to echo between the naked walls are the wet noise of lips and Cosima's quivering gasps.

Delphine continues to ravish her woman, continues to claim Cosima anew while basking in the thrill of being the one to finally break her.

And Cosima is freed from from her shackles when she yanks herself loose from Delphine's iron grip and puts her hands on the blonde’s chest. Delphine senses her working the buttons of her button up shirt, so she immediately grabs Cosima’s small wrists and forces them back down on the bed.

In response to Cosima’s sudden sign of disobedience, Delphine tugs at an earlobe with her teeth. She resists the moan that bubbles up from her throat when Cosima lets out one of her own; her ears had always been sensitive.

It’s music, listening to the way Cosima reacts to every touch, bite and stroke. Delphine had always been vocal, however, there were times when she would have to gag the other woman in order to not wake the neighbours. Making the small woman’s body sing always sent her to a blissful state of mind.

When Delphine decides she’s had enough of the physical distance between them, she yanks the towel separating Cosima's body from her greedy hands. Both of their chests rising in their heightened breathing, they look each other up and down appreciatively.

Delphine’s fingers graze the smooth planes of her stomach, the little dip between her breasts and the stiff pink buds that beg to be touched. She lets her eyes wander to the soft curls at the apex of her thighs and clenches her own when she imagines just what she’s about to do.

“Seeing something you like?” a small voice breaks the silence. In Cosima's eyes there's a hint of playfulness, that cheekiness Delphine adores. Now it just feeds the anger because how dare she show her old self now? when that has been all Delphine had wished the past few days.

“Shut up!” Delphine commands. She leans down and captures those lips in another bruising kiss. Her fingers wander astray down the all too prominent collarbones, the swell of a breast until reaching a nipple. She brushes it once, twice, with her knuckles and revels in Cosima's now hitched breathing.

Delphine is all too aware of her own wetness at the small imaginary feeling of sparks between her hand and Cosima's skin. It's like the constant thick air between them is finally being discharged, electron by electron. It pains her in the most glorious of ways and she's close to giving in to her own needs, close to showing Cosima how much she still loves her.

However, she can't do that – she can't let Cosima win and get away with being this self- pitying creature. Cosima has to quit believing the world is against her.

Though Delphine is hyper aware of how her own body is responding to the dynamic taking place between them, she still manages to be the one in charge. She pinches the rosy bud, knowing exactly how to press Cosima’s spots to keep her at the mercy of her hands. Literally.

She is not disappointed when Cosima whimpers – a small sound splutters from her lips. She swallows it with another kiss before sucking on skin, showering her jaw, throat and chest with open-mouthed kisses. Cosima moans louder when Delphine’s greedy lips and teeth graze the nipple she's been playing with. Arching her back into the blonde’s hot mouth, Cosima’s fingers tangle with silky locks until Delphine is circling her wrists once again.

“Don't touch me,” Delphine hisses, face now directly above the brunette’s. Their breaths mingle as Delphine's hard stare meets the cloudy, lust filled one of Cosima.

“Why not?” Cosima whispers, her eyes flickering between the blonde’s lips and eyes expectantly, as if she was debating with herself whether it would be worth it or not.

“I don't want you to,” Delphine mutters and holds Cosima’s hands above her head with one hand while simultaneously reaching down to spread the brunette’s legs, “I want you to shut up and let me do this.”

So Cosima did. Partially. The moment Delphine's slender fingers brushed over damp curls and a wet slit, she groans. Her body reacts to her touch, allowing herself to be played like an instrument by Delphine's skilled digits. However, the gentleness she had been handling Cosima with before was now gone. Instead it is replaced with an animalistic hunger.

Delphine had always loved teasing Cosima. She loved how the brunette melted like butter under her touch, how she sounded when Delphine would bring her to the edge, only to deny her the sweet release she so craved, again and again. There was something so enjoyable in feeling Cosima’s arousal stick on her fingers, knowing it was her doing.

She thrusts one, two, fingers inside Cosima. The other woman lets out a cry of pleasure mixed with pain as she bucks her hips up. Her eyes are tightly shut, lips parted in anticipation of what would come next. Delphine pushes her down again with her knee on her hip.

“Look me in the eyes,” she growled and when Cosima doesn’t respond, she curls her fingers, brushing the velvety spot that brought so much pleasure, “listen to me, look me in the eyes.”

Finally, Cosima obliges and as Delphine slowly starts pulling out her fingers, just as the tips were still stroking her entrance, her eyes widen. Delphine continues to gaze at her, enjoying how their eyes connect as well as their bodies. Now she just wants to see how much control she has over the other woman.

She wants to see how every movement, how every touch, transferred onto Cosima's face. She wants to feel the brunette's pulse and hear her cries of pleasure while seeing how her spirit lets go of its tethers.

Eventually though, Delphine feels the need to mark, to claim what's hers again, so she leans down. She teases a nipple with her tongue, strokes the areola before giving it a flat lick. It causes Cosima to try to yank her hands out the blonde's tight grip, without success.

Cosima’s rebellious behaviour earned her even slower and more torturous treatment. Delphine fingered her slit slowly, just below and around her hooded pearl. You'll just have to wait…

In it all, Delphine had almost forgotten why exactly she was doing this. In all of the rage and betrayal, she also felt their old selves resurfacing. She remembered the days they would spend in bed just to make love until the sun set. The memories lingered in the back of her mind, taunting her. They were real – had been real – but the pain they caused her acutely reminded her that they were just that –memories.

The desire to go back to what once was haunted Delphine, and tears stung in her eyes, threatening to spill out.This was as close as she could ever get to where they once were but she'd be damned if she ever stopped trying.

You have destroyed yourself Cosima. You have destroyed me.

She wasn't able to keep the tears back. They spill out and stream down her cheeks and the taste of Cosima's skin mixes with the salty taste of tears. She lets them.

As if it was Cosima's fault, she punishes her by grabbing the bud still in her mouth with her teeth and biting her. Hard. Cosima gasps and a strangled moan reaches Delphine's ears. She does it again. Again. Again.

“Delphine it hurts,” so Delphine does it one last time before continuing her trail down Cosima's stomach. She continues to bite, leaving bite marks on Cosima’s creamy skin, which she smoothened with her tongue. It's time for Cosima to feel something.

Despite Cosima's hoarse complaints, her body loved the stinging pain Delphine inflicted upon her. She knew she craved receiving it as much as the blonde craved giving it and with every nip, Cosima begged, “harder…”

Delphine is eager to obey, eager to make Cosima feel the hurt she’s feeling. She coats her fingers in Cosima’s essence, almost caving in when she feels how damn wet and ready Cosima is. Just for her. It's impossible not to moan when the other woman lays splayed out, achingly ready, before her.

Soon she's not able to keep Cosima’s hands down. She lets them go but it seems Cosima’s mind is somewhere else. That or she has finally gotten the message across. Now she has Cosima positioned in front of her like a meal waiting to be devoured.

She frees her own hands of any distractions, causing the other woman to let out a small, “no,” when Delphine's fingers aren't where she needs them the most. Instead, Delphine cups her breasts and starts thumbing her nipples while sinking her teeth and tongue back into the soft skin of Cosima's stomach.

She brushes every dip, every curve she can find. It's been too long since she had Cosima vulnerable like this. Way too long since she got to hold her, touch her, make her cry out from the intensity of their… love? Was this love right now? Wasn't this just an outlet for disgust and betrayal and unspoken rage? She picked someone else over you, this is just unadulterated lust mixed with so much else.

Delphine feels no shame in her bones when she thinks of Shay, only bittersweet victory that she's the one who gets to touch Cosima like this. She almost wishes Shay would walk right into this room, only to find Cosima completely nude, addicted to Delphine’s hands and mouth, arching and bucking right into her waiting arms. Almost.

She reaches the tuft of dark hair, inhaling the musky and rich scent of her arousal before kissing the sensitive skin of her loins. She lets her front teeth graze the junction between thigh and hip, smiling through the tears when Cosima whimpers quietly.

She finds the insides of Cosima’s thighs, sticky and wonderfully trembling from Delphine’s touch and only Delphine’s touch.

“No one else but me gets to do this, no one else but me gets you,” Delphine whispers, “you’re mine.”

“Oh god…” Cosima mutters and starts grasping at the sheets when Delphine licks, sucks and bites at the skin on the inside of her thighs, “more.”

Cosima is breathless, small whimpers and high pitched gasps are spilling from her lips deliciously while Delphine tastes the dew of her core. She trails up until the tip of her nose is merely touching the parted, swollen lips of Cosima’s slit. Her mouth waters when the scent fills her nostrils and lingers on her tastebuds, making her mind spin with possibilities.

She leans forward, tentatively letting her tongue brush the bundle of nerves and feels the warmth of her own lust more tangibly in her underwear now. Cosima bucks up, her voice filling the room with a beautiful moan.

“You like that?” Delphine growls, holding her hips when Cosima moves too much, “you want it again? Answer me.”

“Ye-s… Pl-leasse…” Cosima utters breathlessly.

This time, she uses the tip of her tongue to flick the sensitive nub. Knowing it would be too much, she smirks when Cosima yelps. It encourages her to lick long wide swipes over the clit and is rewarded with yet another one of Cosima’s moans.

She allows herself to have this this moment of pure physical weakness and chastises herself for giving in. She shouldn’t be doing this knowing it will only end with her going home to an empty apartment and an illusion of what had once been. For now, she would just let her mind get carried away, let her have this moment with Cosima.

The shorter woman responds just as Delphine wants. She pleads and begs, a mess of moans and gasps, putty in Delphine’s hands. She takes everything the blonde gives, yet craves more.

Cosima fills her head, her screams, gasps and moans keep her wanting more. Craving more. Her desire for the other woman runs deep, her core burning hot and soaking wet when Cosima throws her head back as Delphine sucks her clit into her mouth.

“F-fuck Delphine, let me come already,” Cosima begs. Good, Delphine thinks, she's needy.

Delphine sucks harder, more intensely while her fingers absentmindedly caress Cosima’s G-spot. She loves how Cosima's walls move and clench tightly around her digits. Feeling her body in this intimate way had before been new and exciting, now it left a whole other thrill burning in her veins.

“Dammit, I said let me come,” Cosima almost starts crying desperately. Delphine glances up at her and is met with what’s probably the most erotic sight her eyes have ever seen: Cosima with her head rested backwards, her slender neck exposed, almost tauntingly. The sunlight hits her heaving chest, highlighting the curves and planes of her skin, damp with perspiration. Visible on Cosima’s body are the bites and marks Delphine had made, protruding in a stark contrast against her otherwise flawless complexion.

“You come when I let you,” Delphine responded, letting two fingers, then a third, slide into Cosima. Delphine loved the way the brunette’s hands tangle with the sheets.

“Fuck…” Cosima gags on her own moans. The sound of her, the smell, the sight; Delphine felt all too hot with her clothes still on. As Delphine works Cosima’s body, she’s unsure if Cosima has ravished her mind as well. She did that a long time ago, she still has me wrapped around her finger.

She scissors her fingers, loves how Cosima is so wet, needy and ready for her. She loves how Cosima's body shudders, her walls clenching with every pull of her digits. Delphine reaches for the soft spots, stroking them with utmost care. Almost teasingly, because that's what gets Cosima thrashing.

Delphine climbs up, hovers above Cosima while still working her digits in her core. She studies Cosima's face as the pleasure rolls through her like waves. Her lips form a cute little ‘o’, her brows furrow as her body rises higher up above and beyond. Delphine had loved sending her there.

“Open your eyes,” Delphine whispers and kisses Cosima gently on the mouth. Cosima listens.

Their gazes lock. Delphine feels the connection between them, charging the air like electricity. It moves, rips and tears inside Delphine.

“You’re crying…” Cosima states breathlessly. She is just about to touch Delphine’s cheek, wet from tears forgotten, when the blonde interrupts her by thrusting her fingers inside her again.

“Shut up,” she croaks, not wanting to appear weak when Cosima can barely stand on her own two feet. Cosima moans, but manages to keep her eyes open and still locked with Delphine's, “please just shut up!”

Delphine curls her digits, massages the clit with her thumb while stroking that special spot with her middle finger. The sounds Cosima makes along with her trembling legs and clenching walls let her know she's close.

Cosima looks so beautiful, so small and fragile yet her disease- ridden appearance pales in the throes of passion and pleasure. She's simultaneously strong, unreachable; a woman with faults and rights. There will always be something in Cosima that Delphine can't understand.

“Tu me manques,” Delphine gasps, more tears clouding her vision. Her words are the one thing that pushes Cosima over the edge.

She goes slow, just helping Cosima to stay above the clouds a little while longer. Cosima stays quiet, barely an audible inhale reaches the blonde’s ears. She watches as the other woman's eyes fills to the brim with liquid longing, sadness, regret.

In that moment, as Cosima reaches her high, Delphine falls. They slump together in a sigh of resignation, letting the sorrow out against the other one’s shoulder. Both are breathing heavily from the exertion, their bodies moving as one as they try to steady minds and lungs.

That's when Delphine catches herself clinging onto Cosima, her arms now wrapped around the small woman and her face buried among dreadlocks. She's shaking, but not from being cold.

“I miss you,” Delphine repeats, now in English, her voice a mere whisper tickling the brunette’s neck, “I miss you…”


	10. Ch 9: Right Where It Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaay! Finally chapter 9. Things are getting (more) intense from here. Also, big warm thanks to this awesome person Marina Vermilion who has done this beautiful painting for this story. I am so grateful, it's gorgeous. You should check out more of her art on marina-does-things.tumblr.com if you haven't already. She's rad!
> 
> Thank you, Darim, for editing. Your help is precious. 
> 
> Enjoy! x

 

They lay together on the queen sized bed – a heap of tangled limbs, messy hair and heavy breathing – comforting each other. Leaning against each other’s already broken form. Delphine’s quiet sobs have reduced to minor hiccups and Cosima lingers in this uneasy state between afterglow and foggy sadness.

In the midst of all the confusing feelings, Cosima still feels her heart jump that extra beat when she every now and then remembers Delphine is still in her arms. Then she recalls the event that had just taken place, the hands and rough kisses - how Delphine had just completely ravished her.

For a second, she can almost swear she felt her blood start to boil again. Then she thinks of the tears Delphine had cried and her desperate words; her heart suddenly felt like lead.

The moment they share, the seconds transpiring just between them in a world of their own, still touched something within Cosima. She felt these deep, profound feelings long forgotten  now seep through her nerves once again. It’s as if Delphine had set free something caged. Or reconnected the strings, making them function again.

As they both lay in silence, no one ready to break the strange tension between them, Cosima takes the opportunity to touch Delphine’s hair. It is curly again. Silky, unruly curls that slip through her fingers like liquid gold. She caught a whiff of their flowery scent, burying her in memories repressed.

She dares to tangle her fingers among the locks and press her palms against Delphine’s scalp; the blonde says nothing, does nothing, so Cosima lets her fingers lazily massage the roots. Her hands moving down toward her slender neck, feeling the warmth of her skin, the skin she has longed to touch.

Cosima is extremely aware of Delphine’s willowy frame resting upon hers, her breath tickling her throat and can even feel the damp patch where her lips touch her collarbones. She is also extremely aware of her exposed self and Delphine’s still clad body, how they still seem to mould perfectly together.

_She said she misses you. Will you choose to believe her?_

The thought isn't hostile, doubting or negative. Nor is it positive, encouraging or friendly. It's just a simple question that Cosima still can't answer. She wonders, _what did this mean?_

Cosima still remembers the anger, the complete hurt and fury in Delphine’s eyes. The words slitting deeper into her scars to stir the old bitterness Cosima felt– still feels, for herself. Sure, Cosima has finally remembered the love. Those warm emotions that Delphine had awoken from their slumber to help distinguish the blurry line between obsession and love. However, the clouds are still there; greasy dark clouds impossible to forget.

“Enchantée,” Cosima croaks, breaking the deafening silence that had started to make breathing difficult.

Delphine stirs, managing to rest on her arm above Cosima. This time it doesn't feel like she's drowning when she meets the blonde’s sad eyes. They’re still the same warm hazel mixed with forest green explosions. They still have the power to reach deep within her - these eyes that can make her feel way too much all at once.

Something unspoken is exchanged between them. Cosima senses something shared. As if there were words that didn’t need to be said. They just transmit like impulse signals in neurons.

“Enchantée,” she responds. Her lips turn into a small quivering smile, just a tilt of the corner of her mouth that brings back a gleam in those exhausted tear filled eyes.

That's when Cosima herself understood what the word meant at this moment. It had once been the beginning of something beautiful, wonderful. It had also been what introduced them to sacrifices, sharp ups and downs. It would once again serve as a beginning; now both prepared for an uphill battle. They will have to struggle.

Cosima remembers the day she has almost died, the day she didn't because Delphine was somehow there to bring her back. She remembers feeling completely calm, open and welcoming. As if it was the most ordinary thing in the world to hallucinate that the love of your life is pulling you up from your beckoning death.

Now, she feels it again. It's deep within, humming in the pit of her soul and she has never felt as home as she does right now. For the first time in months, she feels a bit safe. Like she won't end up hulking up either lung, blood or her own sorrows. For now, she is cut off from the rest of the world.

“Simpler times… Don't you agree?” Cosima refers to the days before Topside and Neolution and Castor. Delphine rolls aside, helping Cosima and herself get under the covers. It takes her a moment to answer, eyebrows furrowing as she contemplated what to answer.

“I don't think so. We were… Oblivious. Ignorant, yes. Ignorance has always been blissful. We thought it was simpler but it was just the beginning. Would you have chosen a different path if you had known?” she enquires.

Cosima blinks, surprised by the depth of her question. Surprised that she without hesitation answered “yes.” Because, in that moment in bed with Delphine, she would have thought she wouldn't have it any other way.

“What I mean is, I would have done so much differently. If I had known what would happen, all the shit we've been through – if I had known, we wouldn't be here. We would be back in Canada you and me. We would never have broken up, I would trust you and you would trust me. So much could have been different...” Cosima trails off, staring up into space as her voice lowers significantly, “but I would always choose you.”

She senses Delphine looking at her, studying her face methodically as if she was measuring a test result, “I would still make the choices I made, I believe. I would go about it a bit differently maybe, considering you're still very sick and you're still not trusting me,” Delphine swallows, trying to steady her still trembling voice, “I would fight harder for you. I would lose everything again to keep you alive.”

And Cosima feels like her heart would twist and turn and bleed to death. This pain, this unbearable pain that just keeps returning whenever she remembers Delphine’s unwavering strength and bravery. _I never fought this way for us. For her._

She's almost a little annoyed at Delphine for having this sort of hero complex. That Delphine would just give up everything for her when she has never done the same. Sure, she had risked a lot by letting Delphine into her life in the first place, but she had also gained a lot from doing it. She had gained safety for her sisters, someone who fought fiercely for their survival.

“I trust you now,” Cosima whispers and grabs Delphine’s hand between them, interlacing their fingers. The blonde squeezes her hand but her expression is darkened by doubt.

“Do you?” Delphine asks as she gnaws on her lip again, the same way she always does when she's worried. Cosima can't help but feel a little hurt by the questioning tone.

However, then she thinks about what Delphine actually asked. Does she trust Delphine with her life? Yes. Does she trust that Delphine won't go behind her back to try and act like a savior again? No. That she doesn't trust.

“I want to trust you; I trust that you would do what you think is right to save me,” Cosima starts and Delphine’s expression softens just the smallest, though she still seems like she doesn't really believe Cosima, “what I don't trust, on the other hand, is that you would do what I think is the best for me.”

Delphine looks puzzled but the words seem to sink in, “I said I would do everything to keep you alive.”

“You have been nothing but successful. I am alive. But you always went behind my back; with DYAD and the samples, Kira’s teeth and bone marrow. I know you listened to me at one point. You took care of all of us but…” she chokes up. The reality of their history comes tumbling down, raining upon her in a relentless downpour. She can do nothing but let the ocean sweep her off her feet, “... I was scared Delphine. I was scared that you were dead - that you were a cold body buried somewhere in a dark forest. I was terrified that you were gone and I was sick. So sick, alone and fucking scared. I needed you. I have never needed someone in my life like I have needed you these past months.

“I was scared that it was my fault, the guilt is still eating at me. Even though you're right here, warm and healthy and glowing– fuck, Delphine! I've missed you so much but I can't help that I'm still messed up. I'm so lost, I feel so lonely. I'm dying, I can't control it but I'm gonna die soon. I have sisters out there that have no idea that they're gonna die soon. Or knowing why they're gonna die,” Cosima lets the tears run, her voice barely audible in the dim room, “and– I need you again. I need us. But I also need to trust you. Or for you to trust that I know what I'm doing.”

Delphine is once again quiet, her breathing the only sound coming from the blonde and Cosima thinks she will snap if Delphine doesn't say anything soon. She just stares up at the ceiling.

“Delphine,” Cosima begs. There's something so distressing about the silence. Delphine isn't usually silent like this; she's quiet yes but her presence brings lightness to the room. Her smiles and soft giggles are usually what adds to her presence. Of course, it had been awhile since she was that happy. Cosima once again realises how her existence affects the other woman. She winces.

“You are enough, Cosima. You are brilliant and could save yourself without me. I trust your judgement. Maybe I hadn't until some point, maybe we've been bad at telling truths instead of webbing more lies. But know that I trust you now,” Delphine finally says.

Cosima thinks the sun comes from somewhere within Delphine, herself being just a moon caught in the light. Either way, Delphine is drying up the flood that's drowning her.

“I think it's time we try and dare to put some faith in each other,” Cosima mumbles, while lifting their clasped hands, and brings them to her lips to plant a small kiss on Delphine’s thumb.

Delphine turns toward her with a smile that reaches her eyes, curls falling everywhere in her face. Without letting the blonde’s hand go, Cosima brushes a few golden strands away from her nose. She desperately craves to kiss the freckle there, craves the taste of Delphine’s mouth.  

Even though only half an hour ago, Delphine had practically ravished every inch of her skin, Cosima doesn’t have the courage to lean in and steal a kiss. Something is stopping her, telling her that perhaps Delphine regrets it– no. No, then she wouldn’t be laying here beside her, insisting on Cosima being enough, she thinks.

_I am enough._

“I agree. It’s time to bring the crazy science back,” Delphine responds with a large grin on her face. Her genuine smile sends a jolt of happiness through the smaller woman, a shot of something so bright it outshines even the pristine white sheets tangling their bodies together.  

“I believe it is,” and now Cosima has the courage to reach for those lips that are so often caught between teeth. She longs to capture them in the gentlest of kisses, to taste promises long forgotten and promises made anew. Delphine is soft, her trembling hands cup Cosima’s face delicately; as if she were holding glass.

If Cosima hadn’t already drowned from the regret, she now drowns from the overwhelming feelings that tear at the old guilt. They instantly tear through the guilt, warming her insides like a ray of sunlight. At the very least,the warmth shields her from the darkness that would surely still linger. Once again, Cosima was a craven addict.

Now, Delphine lets the smaller woman crawl on top of her, deepening the kiss until both of them are engulfed in missed familiar love - both feeling the surge of longing shudder through them along with the desperate need. Months of being apart feel like years lost and now regained.

From the broken reunion, the strongest of trust would take root and grow until it breaks through the soil, stretching its green tendrils toward the sun, uncurling its first leaf. Only if they nurtured it, the trust would weather any storm, conquer any hardship.

Cosima channeled her all through that kiss, praying Delphine could sense the remorse, the guilt and love, though this small act of affection. Nothing could ever show or describe what she felt for the other woman. All she knew was that if she were religious, Delphine would be her goddess and her body her shrine. Cosima had loved with inhibitions, now she would love with her soul.

“I miss you, too,” the brunette mumbles into the kiss, her breath mingling with Delphine’s and nothing has tasted sweeter.

“Do you promise that you’ll try?” the clothed woman asks, her tone suddenly becoming more serious.

Cosima knew Delphine didn’t only mean trusting her. Her words imply so much more Cosima isn't sure she can promise. Right now, she feels like there isn't even something to try, but she knows exactly that as soon as Delphine is gone she will fall apart.

“I don't know,” Cosima admits, “I don't know if I can try.”

“You have to. I will help you. So will Sarah, Felix and Kira and the rest of your family. Let us.”

Cosima had for a moment almost forgotten that Sarah and Felix were there, behind her. Supporting her. They had been there with her all this time, she knew that. But she had taken them for granted. Maybe should stop doing that.

“But… What if I can't make it? What if I'll always be this broken human who relies on everyone else?” Cosima feels the tears threatening again, the hot unwelcome feeling of wetness forming in her tear ducts, “I can't remember who I am anymore.”

It is true that Cosima had lost herself, had been lost for a long time. Maybe even before she lost Delphine the first time.

“You can do it. Look for the Cosima who confronted me about DYAD, who was curious about her biology, the whys and hows, the Cosima who wouldn't hesitate to fight for what she thinks is right,” Delphine is almost pleading, her eyes a shiny spectrum of browns and greens, “you have to learn how to stand on your own two feet again.”

Cosima considers her words, knowing them to be painfully true. She wants to fight, but the exhaustion is pulling her back. She wants to fight so she can trust Delphine again.

“I can try,” Cosima mumbles, “I can try.”

Delphine smiles, not a grin or a loving warm smile. It's hopeful. Motivating. It sends a small sense of satisfaction through Cosima because she recognises it as one of _her_ smiles.

The brunette is thanked with a kiss, “try for those of us who love you.”

Cosima gasps and leans down to return the favour. Though that's when she feels it.

A small bubbling, rough sensation sticks in her throat, as if something is shredding her trachea. It's wet, lumpy, thick. A viscous fluid has filled her lungs and nose and throat, making it too difficult to breathe and too difficult to think.

Her vision is blurry, her pulse is ringing in her ears, and she's certain a few blotches of red appears on the blonde’s cheek and chin. At first, she thinks Delphine is bleeding, a second later she realises exactly what's happening.

The cough forces its way from the depths of her lungs, rolls through her every limb and burns her entire body from the inside, makes her retch, heave. She doesn't know if Delphine is screaming, shouting at her through her dazed state. Cosima imagines she does, believing she feels soft familiar hands cupping her face and laying her body down on the bed.

And she thinks; if this is it, if now is the time for her to leave, she wouldn't mind. She would die promising she would fight for those she loves. _When did I become so cheesy? Sarah would laugh at me, Felix would reprimand me for being so dramatic and Delphine… She's crying._

Delphine is crying, her voice hiding tears and sobs of despair as Cosima’s body breaks down in front of her. Out of her control.

It feels like a movie, lying there and slowly disappearing from consciousness, feeling it slip away from you as your loved one screams at you to stay awake. Life is suddenly reduced to gasping for air. The last things Cosima remembers are Delphine’s cries of “ne me quitte pas, ma chérie.”


	11. Ch 10: There Is No Justice In History

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! I know, slow updates and short chapters. Not what you wanted but please bear with me. Quality over quantity, right? 
> 
> Thanks Darim, for your help. It means so much. Though this time I wouldn't let you finish while you're out and about haha. So if there are any mistakes in this chapter, they are mine! :) 
> 
> (Also, still can't get over my friend Marina's cover art for this story. I'm so blessed.) 
> 
> Enjoy! x

 

Delphine stands by the side of the hospital bed, watching Cosima hooked up to tubes and looking so very small, so fragile. Close to breaking like a figure of glass. The constant beeping of the respiratory machine is making Delphine drowsy, having listened to it for four hours since she was welcomed into the room. She had used her Topside privileges to be allowed in there and to cover Cosima’s identity; she was an expert at diverting authorities after all.  

Sarah is sleeping in a sitting position in another chair, her neck bending sideways in an uncomfortable looking manner. Kira has crawled up on the bed, currently nestling into her auntie’s side and staring out the window. Felix was taking a walk through the hospital, trying desperately to maintain a straight face but Delphine had seen the look of horror in his eyes; his fear evident in the small tremble of his voice.

They are all scared, worrying that their time might be running out. Cosima is living on borrowed time, every breath a reminder that it was one breath closer to her last. Every beep of the machine making the situation heavier. Yet, Delphine doesn't let it touch her composure, doesn't let it touch the towering walls she so carefully built around herself. Though she knows she's failing miserably.

She is close to crumbling, to fall apart right in this room next to the love of her life – without her knowing it – and to let this agony consume her. Delphine was so close to finding something, she was grasping at straws and each straw did get her close to find a solution. A cure. How bittersweet if it would be just a bit too late to save her love. She had made a promise to love all her sisters, though. She intended to keep that.

Kira finally stirs, having recovered from her own daze and now she's sitting up. Sarah is still asleep, Felix still absent. Though this doesn't seem to mind Kira, who just blinks at Delphine. The blonde woman gave her no smile, no indication that it was fine. Kira would see right through that anyway; she knew the little girl was all too aware of everything.

“Can you cure her?” the girl croaks, voice hoarse from being unused for so long.

Their gazes meet; the wide mind of a brilliant scientist meeting the curious and hungry conscious of a child. However, it seems that the hope of the young stands stronger than the knowledge of the experienced. How come it always would be so – without being naïve – the youth would conquer.

“I– I hope so,” Delphine answered, “I will try.”

Delphine saw immediately that trying isn't enough, would never be. Her world’s fate rested upon her shoulders.

Kira doesn't say anything after that. Doesn't say much at all except responding to her mother’s orders to go and eat. Sarah tries to tell Delphine that food would be good for her, too. Though the blonde doesn't eat, can't swallow anything without it coming up twenty minutes later.

She barely sleeps. Instead, she works in her lab. New tests, more reports, more undesired results that make her wanna rip her hair from the roots. Even though she has the original genome; sampled and ready to be used, she has yet to create a cure. She's sitting on a gold mine, a scientific revolution but what good would it do if she has no idea how to fix the most important in her life _. _

Two days passes. Cosima wakes up every now and then in a feverish daze, slurring nonsense as her body is trying to fight itself. In between, she's stable and alive without living. Felix cancelled his flight home, trying to help Sarah get Cosima on a plane. Trying to cope with the fact that she's so close to dying. Kira is folding stars and butterflies, decorating the hospital room by hanging them anywhere and everywhere until the staff has to kindly tell her it's enough.

Four days passes and Delphine is nowhere closer to figuring out a cure. She needs more time, months at least. She knows she barely has one. Cosima’s skin has lost whatever glow it once had, her heartbeats are irregular, her pulse too high.

Delphine wants to throw things, break vials with failed experiments and smash test tubes against the linoleum floor. So, one day, she does.

It's satisfactory to see the glass explode, to see the shards fly across the room. They catch the light in a fascinating show that somehow reminds her of a foggy morning in June when the grass is covered in dew; an idyllic image she laughs at without mirth.

She ends up sitting among thousands of pieces of glass when her sleep deprived state of mind catches up, when she's running on too much caffeine. Everything falls apart around her and she can't do anything about it.

With her head in her hands and her heart heavy with grief, she lets herself be weak. Let's herself feel helpless, small and so very lonely. She knows she isn't the only one working on a cure; she got her team but they aren't taking this personally. They don't know about 324B21 or the face behind the numbers.

“I can't do this,” she lets a sob retch through her, hearing the despair and agony rip from her throat, “I'm sorry I failed you, my love.”

Suddenly there's someone by the door. It slides open to reveal Sarah and one of the security guards. She must've pulled her Leda card to even be allowed through the entrance.

“Delphine,” Sarah states and eyes the mess the blonde has made; not with judgement but with complete understanding of what is going on.

The security guard tells them he'll leave them alone, the door sliding shut with an unusually loud  _ click.  _ There's no sound following except deafening silence that fills between them.

“Bonjour, Sarah,” the taller woman sniffs, trying to composure herself. She gets up on her feet, wipes the remaining tears and smooths her lab coat, “I’m sorry…”

For exactly what she's sorry, she doesn't know. She's sorry about the glass on the floor, her ruffled and spazzy appearance. She's sorry that she wasn't there the past two months. She's sorry Cosima’s sick, somehow blaming herself for that. She's sorry that no one had felt like they could trust her. She's sorry she hasn't found a cure yet and she's sorry she isn't cleaning up the damn mess.

“It's okay,” Sarah mumbles, walks up to Delphine. The glass crunches under combat boots as if she doesn't care it's there, “it's okay.”

Sarah and Delphine are facing each other, Delphine with blotchy red eyes and Sarah’s expression screaming of exhaustion and the same kind of helplessness the blonde had just fallen apart under.

“Is it?” Delphine questions, her voice a mere whisper though in this exceptionally loud silence. It's screaming in her ears.

Sarah nods and take one last step, looking up at the tall blonde who appears so small, “it is. I'm sorry, too. For everything, I– we've been stuck with our heads up our asses when it comes to you. We should've trusted you.”

Delphine chokes up a yelp, not having expected Sarah to admit such a thing. Not hoping or thought about them ever acknowledging her part in this impossible game. However, it's not Sarah’s confession that brings forth another set of tears.

Sarah tries to smile, a cocky grin that's so much alike Cosima’s yet so different it sends a shiver up Delphine’s spine. The gleam in the brunette’s eyes is also terrifyingly Cosima, terrifyingly not; it hurts that it is and it hurts that it's not.

“We've only heard what Cosima has said about you, how she perceived your actions. It wasn't until this bloody mess– when we had to decide who he lesser evil in this shite was that we understood how important you've been. So I want to say I'm sorry. I hope you can one day forgive us for our how we treated you.”

The honesty aches, a blossoming warmth fluttering in her chest that Delphine hasn't experienced in a long time; a sense of belonging, of being accepted.

No one since Cosima had barged into her life has truly understood her. Not since until just now – until this small admission – had she had someone noticing and accepting her efforts. Not until now had she had any reason to care.

“I appreciate it, what you just said and honestly, I've not thought about it that much. It means a lot that you're telling me this, Sarah. Thank you,” Delphine’s attempt at a smile is failing because as soon as it doesn't reach her eyes, she wants to fall to her knees again.

They both don't know what to say, neither of them having any idea of why Sarah would suddenly show up at the lab.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” Delphine breaks the stale silence, suddenly feeling twitchy. She is just about to look for equipment to clean the shattered tubes and vials up when Sarah grabs her wrist.

“Can you help her?” her voice is so small, barely existing in the room so quiet. Her question, her tone so similar to the one of her daughter used just days ago, Delphine has to wince. There is a plea behind her words, something that is so unlike the Sarah she knows. This Sarah sounds scared, terrified. Aware that she's slowly losing one of her own.

Delphine stops in her tracks and meets her gaze, noticing that the exact same fear as her own, is filling her eyes. Her sister is dying and she's only now realising it.

The past few days, Sarah has been letting it build up, grow and claw at her until her breaking point; which appears to be right now. She still has Delphine’s wrist in a tight grip, staring at her pleadingly; as if she was looking for answers in the blonde’s expression.

“I'm trying my best, you know that,” Delphine says, “I'm just as scared as you are.”

Sarah nods but still doesn't let go. She averts her gaze to her feet, “I just wished I knew how to tell Kira that this might–, or even how to deal with…  _ this _ , alone. Felix nor I talk about it–,”

Just mid sentence, she chokes up. Her words disappear into the smallest of croaks that she tries to swallow. Delphine’s heart knot even more at the sight of the fierce Sarah Manning breaking into pieces in front of her. It's the same feeling you get when you see your own parents cry; it's not pleasant and it fills her with terror.

“What if she dies?” Sarah manages to whisper between sniffing and sobbing, “what if she'll bloody die and– fuck, I don't know – what will even happen to us? Cosima is the one with the bloody brain! I can't do this without her, I just–”.

Sarah can't speak anymore and Delphine automatically pulls the smaller brunette into her embrace, wrapping her arms around the strong but shaking body. Lets her fall apart.

The shorter woman is at first stiff, not sure of how to respond to this sudden offer of comfort. Certainly not when she's probably the last person she’d ever want it from. However, she soon eases into the hug, almost welcoming.

It might be the knowledge that out of all people Sarah knows, Delphine is the one closest to Cosima. Has always been, will always be. She's the one who understands her geeky sister’s complex mind the most. Maybe Sarah is clinging onto the blonde for emotional comfort because Delphine knows exactly what’s going on, the one who seems like a steady pillar in this grand scheme she was caught in.

All in all, Delphine is the one who has reached something in Cosima Sarah will never see.

It's not that Delphine doesn't need the comfort as well. She's craving it, feeling the need of human contact after being isolated in a city she once felt so at home in. Sarah seems like a rock; safe, strong and up until now impossible to break.

No, she's not broken. Not the way she is, not the way Cosima is. Not even close.

“I got one last hour with her,” Delphine suddenly whispers, her voice hoarse after swallowing tears unshed, “I had her back, I miss her so much.”

Even though Sarah doesn't say anything, Delphine knows she listens.

“I once promised her that I would take care of all of you, that what I fought for her I had to do for you, too. She made me promise that I would love all of you equally. I'm keeping that promise and I swear that I am doing everything in my power to save her.”

By now, Sarah has pushed herself away from the embrace to look Delphine in the eyes, herself carrying an incredulous expression at Delphine’s admission. As if she doesn't quite believe it.

“You've done all these things… For us?” she manages. Delphine nods once and is suddenly shy, blushing at the way Sarah scrutinises her with newfound respect.

But the small pride quickly evaporates when she remembers, “unfortunately, I don't know how to save her, yet.”

“Don't you have the original genome or some shit…? I thought it was supposed to be easy now that we do,” Sarah asks in confusion.

“I have it, I've located all the synthetic sequences of your DNA but–,” she smacked her lips, “there are still things that needs to be regarded. We are closer than ever before, probably just on the verge of finding the cure but I need more time.”

Sarah’s brows are furrowed, her expression deep in thought as Delphine once again reminds herself of the mess on the floor. In an urge to keep her hands busy, she goes to look for a broom.

“Aren't there anymore strings you can pull? I don't know, some secret Topside shit?”

Delphine lets out a heavy sigh, having twisted and turned every idea she had thought of – including Topside shit, without finding anything that is remotely safe for everyone involved, “I'm sorry, the only thing I can come up with is transporting her to Frankfurt. It's safer there and they have more resources. But the procedure of getting her there can be very dangerous. For her and for you. Neolution are everywhere and you know who they want.”

Sarah nods in understanding, knowing that to suddenly start this big affair of transporting a clone through security check ups and all in an airport was like lightning up a signal fire.

“But it might save her,” the brunette states and the determination in her eyes is enough for the blonde to figure that even though Sarah will put her own life on the line, Cosima will go to Frankfurt.

“It might save her,” Delphine confirms.

They share one look, Sarah’s finally daring to show a bit of hope while the blonde stays calculated.

“Well,” the smaller woman starts with a sarcastic intonation, “welcome to clone club, sestra.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, most of the plot has been going on inside Cosima. This story is a character analysis; how Cosima would handle Delphine being gone and then come back. Would she feel guilty? Yes. Does she handle it? Nah not really but she gets support from everyone around her. Through this story, I've gotten to know Cosima more. Well, at least my perception of her from the show and from how she develops in this fic. It's awesome, and she means so much to me. Even more now that I've been inside her head and she has been inside my head. Kind of. With this rambling I wanted to say that this story means a lot to me and so does your support. So thank you for encouraging me to explore Cosima and our favourite French scientist puppy! I really appreciate it.


	12. Ch 11: If You Must Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. So yeah I'm back for now! A Europe trip and a few amazing OB episodes later and I'm heeere. So with how the plot turned in OB, it has become quite tricky to keep up with my own, haha. Especially since some of my ideas were very similar to how it turned out in the show. But I'll keep them and just say that I went along with it (you'll notice in the next chapter). Anyway, enjoy! And thank you Darim for still enjoying fixing my word vomits.

_ “It might save her,” Delphine confirms.  _

_They share one look, Sarah’s finally daring to show a bit of hope while the blonde stays calculated._

_“Well,” the smaller woman starts with a sarcastic intonation, “welcome to clone club, sestra.”_

 

* * *

 

From the moment it was decided that Cosima would be transferred to Frankfurt, a heavy seriousness descended over them, accompanied by a blooming wave of hope – though it wavered every time she saw the pale sickly skin of her love, or when she observed how bony her fingers had become since she last intertwined them with hers.  

Cosima was getting sicker each day and the deadline for their plan couldn’t come faster. Only Sarah and Delphine will follow the sick clone to Germany while Felix and Kira will go back home. It would be for the best; the fewer people involved, the less risk of any danger. Topside was, after all, still involved with Neolution.

“Funny how that works,” Felix had said when Delphine and Sarah had gone through their plan, “I thought we were running  _ from _ Neolution. This whole thing sounds bloody insane to me.”

Yes, Topside was still cooperating with Neolution. “It’s all about profit for them. They are in such a position that losing is not an option. However, they still have feet on both sides otherwise I wouldn’t still be here,” Delphine had explained.

Although Cosima’s health was quickly deteriorating, her fever had gone down and she was now fully aware of her surroundings and conscious of what was to occur. Delphine was relieved not only because Cosima was finally awake, but also because it would now be much easier to transport a sick, albeit conscious, clone.

Cosima found herself too weak to walk by herself and was only able to sputter small coughs by lifting herself up to a sitting position. Delphine and Sarah watch in agonising concern as the small scientist fought against herself and the whole world.

On the night before the big day, Cosima lies in her bed curled on her side. Her fingers were intertwined with Delphine’s and her thumb is absentmindedly drawing circles on the other woman’s hand.

“I’ve missed you,” Cosima mumbles, a small satisfied smile playing on her lips. Delphine’s heart aches - both from pure adoration and from observing how relaxed and at ease Cosima seemed despite this complicated situation.

“You’ve been unconscious for a few days, how do you know?” Delphine giggled softly and scooted her chair closer to the bed.

“Well, we know I have some spiritual connection to you,” Cosima wiggles her eyebrows in jest, “you’ve brought me back from death. I will miss you even from my grave.”

The last word comes out as a broken sound that echoed off into the sterile hospital room. Delphine averted her gaze, staring at the repetitive pattern on the linoleum floor, trying desperately not to think of the fact that Cosima might end up six feet under sooner than she should.

“It’s not gonna happen. I won’t let it,” Delphine squeezes Cosima’s hand in reassurance, maybe more to herself. After Sarah’s visit at the lab, Delphine had felt a little more positive, a little more pressured to fix this. Finally, there was something resembling trust starting to develop, conquering the old animosity Sarah and her brother had felt toward her. That was the small encouragement she needed, and she was once again dead set on making Cosima better.

“I believe in you,” Cosima grins weakly, “although I’m kinda bummed about not being there to see the magic myself. God, I miss being in a lab.”

“You will be back in one sooner than you think,” the blonde picks up a dreadlock that teased Cosima’s jaw and started playing with it, “back in it… with me…”

She leans down and plants a gentle kiss on Cosima’s pale lips. It quickly deepens, sending small tendrils of warmth through Delphine’s body as their mouths mould slowly together.

“Mhmm,” Cosima hums and cups the back of Delphine’s head, “and do what exactly?”

Delphine chuckles softly into the kiss and pulls Cosima’s lip between her teeth, “science. Lots of crazy science.”

“Ahaa… I can totally live with that,” before Delphine can respond to that, their intimate moment is interrupted by the door opening revealing Sarah, who has just dropped Felix and Kira off at the airport.

“Damn clone sisters always interrupting us…” Cosima mumbles as Sarah stomps in with her usual cocky and hunched posture.

“Good to see you two so close and cosy together again. But let me just remind you both that Cosima is on a limited amount of oxygen and I don’t know if that heart monitor can handle anymore of that,” she says, pointing at the ECG that, indeed, has shown a few irregular bumps without them noticing.

“I didn’t think that was possible…” Cosima laughs quietly, Delphine joining in, ”anyway, Kira and Felix are on their way home safely?”

Sarah nodded from her chair on the other side of the room, still trying to give them both some space. An action that Delphine was grateful for.

“Yeah Kira was pretty happy to go home, though she worries. I can’t keep shit from her. She always figures it out,” the other brunette explains with a frown, referring to her daughter’s strange ability to always know what was going on even though she really didn’t.   

“She is a special little girl,” Cosima says with a little distant smile tugging the corners of her lips.

Sarah let out a deep sigh, “yeah, she is. But how are you feeling? Ready for tomorrow?”

Delphine tries to withdraw her hand but is stopped when Cosima’s grip tightens, keeping her hand close to her chest in a protective position. That’s when she knows Cosima is scared, using Delphine’s presence in an attempt to calm herself and feel more safe. The thought had Delphine longing to scoop Cosima up in her arms and carry her far away from all this, carry her away to a safe place where no one and nothing can touch her ever again.

These actions signal to Delphine that Cosima was searching for some kind of anchor to hold onto while this is going on, which spoke volumes about where their relationship was at. It’s a sign that trust is slowly mending between them; a sign that maybe they can work their problems out. She will fight for them and for Cosima, knowing the path will be long and not without struggle. To Delphine, Cosima is worth it. Cosima just has to see it herself.

“I’m fine. I’m just gonna be shoved into a small airplane, sick as hell and flown straight into the waiting arms of Neolution…” Cosima scrunches up her nose,”yep I feel terrific.”

“It’s gonna be fine. No Neolutionist will get you,” Delphine promises, her grin an attempt to resemble the usual cheeky ones of Cosima. But the smaller woman doesn't mind her, she looks at her with concerned eyes, a sudden wariness lacing her expression.

“But what about you?” Her question comes out a weak, pleading whisper.

Delphine tries to smile in reassurance, “I will be fine. Don't worry about me.”

It is partially true. If Cosima were fine, she would be, too. Her safety is crucial to Cosima’s recovery.

Cosima nods hesitantly, not really buying it but who was Delphine kidding? Of course the brilliant scientist would be concerned.

“I think it's time the geek monkeys – both of you – get some sleep. Stressful day tomorrow,” Sarah interrupts them, standing up and walking over to where Delphine and Cosima were.

“Yeah that's probably wise,” Delphine agrees, a little flushed from the affectionate nickname she was included in, “way past her bedtime.”

“I suddenly have two mothers,” Cosima sighs a little defeated in light jest.

“Hey, that's a little ironic coming from you, don't you think you lame lesbo?” Sarah has that grin going on, although on her it appears a tad bit more cocky.

“Only the queer people in this room are allowed to call me that,” Cosima scolds lightheartedly, winking at Delphine who scoffs.

“Alright alright,” Sarah chuckles, leaning down to give Cosima a kiss on the forehead, “see you tomorrow, Cos.”

“See you tomorrow,” Cosima answers meekly as Sarah walks around the bed, puts a hand on Delphine’s arm and squeezes it in a friendly gesture.

“Thank you,” Sarah mouths, turns around, waits for the little smile to tug at Delphine’s mouth, and leaves the two women alone again.

“And then there were two,” Cosima whispers in a feigned dramatic way.

“And soon they would be one,” Delphine whispers jokingly and is back to leaning over Cosima’s bed, “you really should get some sleep. Who knows how long tomorrow will be?”

“Aaw you’re just gonna leave me? This is like the first alone time we’ve had since I got here. I wanna know how you’re doing,” Cosima whines and starts playing with a lock of Delphine’s hair.

The act throws Delphine off. This is such a  _ Cosima  _ behaviour, pre- Neolution and breakup. This is how the blonde remembers the little scientist, without a care in the world on the outside and bubbling with a colourful range of emotions just under the surface. It tugs at her heart, knowing that Cosima is fighting to keep afloat. Though it also bothers her; how much is an act and how bad is she falling apart on the inside? Does she let herself be worried and afraid? Would she let herself fall apart in front of Delphine even though her health kept everyone around on their toes? 

“Well I’m not  _ just  _ gonna leave, I’m gonna go and let you sleep. I’ve been okay. Coping,” Delphine finally says with a sigh, “I’ve been worried.”

Cosima refuses to meet her eyes. Instead, she is looking at the blonde curl between her fingers, “I hate that everyone worries all the time; if it’s not that I’m gonna snap on the middle, it’s that I’m gonna wheeze my lungs out right in front of them. I hate it.”

The brunette’s brows were furrowed, her back hunched and expression laced with frustration. Again, Delphine feels the urge to just protect the woman from all the bad things happening to and around her. Though, it was time for Cosima to face the world on her own two feet.

“We are allowed to worry about you, you know,” Delphine starts, “but just because we treat you like you’re sick – which you are by the way, terminally so – doesn’t mean we think you’re weak.”  Sighing, Cosima nods, “I know but it still sucks. I feel like such a liability… Like always.”

It breaks Delphine’s heart to hear Cosima talk like this. Knowing that there are demons ripping Cosima to pieces and that she can’t just swoop in and fight off. Like she had done with so many things in the physical world around Cosima. The spiritual one was much more difficult to reach.

“Hey, don’t talk like that,” Delphine says, “I’ve never seen you as a liability.”

Cosima chews on her lip, not meeting Delphine’s prying eyes, “yeah, great. Maybe it’s time for me to sleep. My eyes are getting droopy.”

Suddenly, like someone had switched a flick, Cosima had retreated into herself. Her eyes hold no expression, say nothing as Delphine tries to lock them with her own. It is as if Cosima disappeared and replaced herself without the blonde noticing, replacing herself with an empty shell.

“No Cosima, don’t do that,” Delphine pleads. She had seen this too often, when Cosima would just turn away and wander off into herself. Everyone is shut out and Delphine has no idea what is going through the brunette’s head. What lies she is telling herself.

“Delphine, you should just go. See you tomorrow, ‘kay?”

There is no getting around her, trying to reach in and pull her up from this sudden rabbit hole. Delphine can only sit aside, be there as Cosima struggles with what’s inside.

“Cosima…” will it always be this hot and cold between them? Unspoken words, mistrust and inner demons? Will there never be any sense of normalcy; never any days where they wake up together; live together; exist in the same rhythm that had been so easy in the beginning?

Delphine doesn't move, doesn't obey Cosima's demands. Instead she reaches forward and grabs her hand – thin fingers, brittle nails, all her flaws on display – interlaces their digits and let them fall on the sheets.

“Let me in, okay?”

Cosima’s eyes are blank, an empty canvas lacking depth and life. She shakes her head one time, turns to her side with her back against the blonde. The action bites into her heart, stinging like white noise as she craves to pull the brunette into her arms.

“My love, I will always be here for you,” Delphine notices that Cosima hasn’t let go of her hand, “I will always fight for you and alongside you. I will never give up on you.”

It takes a moment, a silent minute of Cosima almost clutching her hand in a hard grip and Delphine can almost see her struggling.

Before Cosima has relaxed or shown any sign of finding her way back, Delphine has climbed up on the bed. Crawls to lay behind her, pulling her back into her embrace and feels Cosima shaking, trembling like a leaf against her form.

“I’ll never give up on you,” maybe one day, that’ll be enough.

And then they fall asleep, holding onto each other. 


	13. Announcement

Hi! I'm super sorry to say this, but I'm gonna need a long hiatus on this one. I have the worst case of writer's block when it comes to this story but fear not, one day I WILL finish it. Plus, I'm also going to uni next week so I will be busy being an engineer student so we'll see how that disaster goes. Anyways, thank you for your support and for reading and commenting and following and I as I said, I will finish this story one day. It means a lot to me but right now I am struggling to reach that emotional state I need in order to write this fic.

Meanwhile, enjoy me posting weird one shots every now and then. Those I can handle right now.

 

Thank you.

 

Nia (sapphicqueens)  


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